- That the person I’m talking to can read my mind
- That my future significant other will rearrange my kitchen
- That a chunk of frozen blue toilet ice will crash through my roof and kill me the day after I win the lottery
- I’m not at all worried about it happening before for some reason
- Being around ppl
- Not being around ppl
- That I’m that guy who thinks he’s popular, but really isn’t
There have been points in my life where a song jumped out at me. Where the lyrics struck hard, sometimes reducing me to tears.
The first, as a teenager was the Blue Oyster Cult’s Great Sun Jester. I’ll admit I don’t remember the exact lyrics without googling, but I was struggling with my identity and trying to find my path and place in the world.
Others include Bob Marley’s Redemption Song, and Imagine Dragon’s Demons.
Some are associated with people, The Cars’ You Might Think for my first wife, and Garth Brooks The Dance for my Irish doctor.
Its been a long while since a song spoke to me, but last week it happened twice. Two different songs where the message are diametrically opposed.
“Simple Man”…Shinedown’s acoustic cover of Skynard’s classic hit. I was listening to the randomized mix of songs I’d thumb’d up on Google Music.
As I was pondering the message of that song…to be a simple kind of man, the next song hit me with equal strength…The Struts, Could Have Been Me
Don’t want to go out in a blaze of glory,
Don’t want to live as an untold story!
There have been times when my anthems have confused other people, this is the first time I’ve been confused…
I’ll figure it out…
There is a Buddhist meditation that helps you pass on your good Kharma to someone else. I forget the name of it, but a few years ago when I first started meditating I did that for a dear friend who was going through a very rough time.
The other night I tried meditating for the first time in a long time. I remembered my passing on my good kharma, and, as things haven’t been so great for me, I tried to pull some of it back.
My friend and I have not spoken in years, but I know from mutual friends commenting on her posts that her life is much better.
The next day, through a series of events I won’t get into, I was two hours late getting home…or getting close to home.
As I was approaching the back road I usually take home (Vivian Line 37 for those familiar), I passed a car buried to its axles in snow. I looked back thinking I should stop to help.
I ended up missing my turn, and quickly pulled onto the shoulder to do a u-turn. A very icy shoulder it turns out and I too ended up mired in snow.
It took two hours before a tow truck came by and hauled me out and sent me on my way.
It was a clear cold night.
I had to pee, and decided to walk some distance from the car. I wasn’t sure where the tow truck operator would have to go, and didn’t want to pollute his workspace.
I sat in the car in silence. My musings interrupted several times by people offering to help.
I thanked all of them, and explained I had a tow coming.
So yes, and interrupted night where I was 4 hours late getting home.
A couple of days ago it occurred to me that the disastrous night occurred immediately after I asked for some of my good kharma back.
I was going to chuckle at the irony, but then things occurred to me.
It was a cold, clear, but beautiful night. I stared at the stars until I started shivering.
I didn’t play with my phone, or the radio. I sat in silence, taking the opportunity that was forced upon me to do some quiet reflection.
7 or 8 people stopped to see if they could help/I was all right. While yes, they interrupted my reflection they restored my faith in humanity. There are decent people out there.
Speaking of decent people both my friends Gord and Denise stood to without hesitation when I called for help. I know that any number of friends would’ve done the same. So I was reminded that even when I’m surrounded by vast cold, dark countryside…I’m not alone.
So it turns out that the inconvenient, time consuming incident wasn’t kharma chastising me, it was a gift.
Its been a rough few weeks for me.
On October 30th I had to let Colorado, my beloved Queen of Spazmania go. She went months after her cancer diagnosis of being her normal spazzy self, but the weekend before she went downhill so fast.
That Friday I bought her a new leash even…that’s how quick she went. 😦
Then on top of that, my friend Brandy, a woman who I loved like a sister passed away suddenly on Nov 19th.
I was devastated, and have had a hard time dealing with things.
A couple of days ago I sent my wireless provider, Telus, an email asking to cancel the phone she had on my account, explaining that she had passed.
I acknowledged in the request that I understood that I was still responsible for the device balance of several hundred dollars.
This afternoon I received a response from Michael from Telus.
I was with my friend Holly, about to climb in the car in a Tim Horton’s parking lot when I read the response.
When I read it, I managed an “Oh my god”…I started crying and it was a bit before I could compose myself to tell Holly what was going on.
She too started crying and I think we made quite the spectacle hugging and bawling.
Most people bitch about their providers…but this is not the case.
Michael informed me that Telus was waiving the remaining device balance on Brandy’s phone as they understood that it was a difficult time for me.
The simple kindness of the gesture was overwhelming, but so welcome.
I don’t have the words…except Thank You!
If my comedy career ever takes off and Telus needs a spokesperson, I owe them a solid.
For those of you who don’t know. Brandy is the woman in the picture. Colorado is the collie-x on the right.
My Great-Dane, Kharma is taking the loss pretty hard too.
Regular followers will be aware that my Queen of Spazmania, Colorado was diagnosed with cancer a few months back.
She went through a rough patch, that prompted me to ask people to stop reminding me that she was dying.
Today she is doing pretty well. She’s lost a lot of weight (she was too heavy in the first place), but she’s eating, drinking and is her normal self so I’m not worried about it.
But Monday morning, something weird happened.
If I linger in bed too long Colorado will eventually come up and remind me that she has to go out. She starts by sitting next to the bed and panting until I pet her.
Monday morning was no different, except as soon as I reached out to scratch her head I started to cry.
She was her normal self.
When I reached out I don’t think I was thinking of her eventual passing.
I thought that maybe I had felt it in her energy. I knew Shelby’s time was coming.
Through out the day I found myself getting tearful thinking of losing her.
I didn’t understand that. I had plenty of time to prepare. I am ready.
Yes, it will be hard,
When we take an animal into our lives we have a sacred duty to look after them.
The hard part of that is letting your faithful companion go when its time.
I did that for Shelby, even though I was not ready and it almost destroyed me.
When Colorado’s time comes, I will let her go. To keep her around when she’s sick and life has no joy for her would be cruel, and very unfair.
She is my friend, she even saved my life once when I my mood hit bottom and suicide seemed like a pretty good idea.
It will be hard…as I’ve said.
There’s a reason I mention the “it will be hard” thing twice.
All day Monday, I couldn’t understand why it was so difficult to not cry when thinking about Colorado’s final day.
When discussing it in the past I might get a bit tearful in the moment, but nothing like the crying jags I just couldn’t control.
It was on the drive home that the real reason hit me….
Arranging her final visit with the vet will be hard…very fucking hard.
And that’s what was getting to me…
It is another hard thing that I have to do, in what seems like a life of constant hard things.
Admittedly, when one suffers from mental health issues, especially depression, getting out of bed in the morning can be a hard thing.
That’s not really what I’m talking about.
I’ve never shied away from these hard things. In fact, I tend to be very good at doing hard things. So much so that I was often handed tasks that were hard.
I’m talking about the sorts of things that can have a negative impact on one’s spirit.
It was Dr. Nielsen who pointed out a few years ago that I have the ability to turn all that off. I didn’t realize that I was doing that until he pointed it out. To me it was just “buckling down” and “getting on with it”.
Thanks to therapy I’m losing that ability.
Of course, as one gets older the closets that one shoves the trauma of experiencing these hard things into has problems keeping shut. And I can tell you that some of the nightmares that come leaping out at you are worse than any movie, and its often accompanied by wondering just how in the hell you managed to completely forget about THAT!
A little bit ago, during a particularly rough patch, it seemed like nothing was going right for me. I remember spending a great deal of time lamenting that nothing would ever be easy for me.
That wasn’t my head space on Monday btw.
So in short, it was just another rock in the proverbial invisible basket.
I do have one very real fear when the time comes.
Colorado can read me.
No matter how well I’m hiding it, she knows my moods.
When one is saying good bye to their friend, being calm and relaxed is essential lest you friend fights to stay by your side.
I can hide my emotions well. I can be a full blown panic and no one will know it. But Colorado would….
That’s the big fear for me when her time comes. I don’t want her to go through that alone.
When Shelby passed I felt honoured to have attended his passing.
I hope I can do the same for my girl Colorado.
And now I’m crying again…fuck.
This post will likely be the hardest I’ve ever written.
Im sitting here in my assigned hospital bed at the Stratford General Hospital the day after my second heart attack. In a couple of hours I will be transported to St Marys in Kitchener for an angiogram to assess the damage.
I will be fine on that account. Lying here with little to distract me has given me a great deal of time to think.
My struggles with mental hezlth are no secret. I think few are aware of how bad it really is.
I rarely discuss the dark stuff because I dont want to alarm anyone, and dont want to be a bother.
I sometimes ponder what I can do to get myself out of the quagmire I find myself in but always come up short.
In the days before my heart attack it was starting to occur to me that I needed to be more open and tell ppl what was really going on in my head.
Thats a scary proposition. I was afraid of how ppl would react. I didnt want to cause anyone distress, but at the same time I had decided on a course of action and didnt want anyone trying to stop me.
I need help. I dont know how to ask for it. I dont know what to ask for.
The outpouring of well wishes when news of my heart attack spread has shown me that telling the world what really is going on is the best course of action.
This will be hard to type, it may appear disjointed at times. I will do my best to avoid minimizing the situation.
Before I begin let me point out that the fact that I am telling hou all this is a good sign…I am asking for your help…more then thatI am actually asking everyone to help me figure out what it is that I need.
The fact that I am sitting here in a hospital bed typing this to you is a clear indication that indica there is no immediate danger.
The thing that got me thinking along these lines was a conversation with my new housemate Louise. A couple of nights ago I told Louise about my struggles with controlling my diabetes. I had forgotten that Louise used to be a nurse. Shes taking over that aspect. It lead to a discussion around mental health. I wont go into details because all of that will be covered below….unless I forget.
When I was first brought into the ER we went over my listof meds. I explained that I havent been taking them because I kept forgetting to get them refilled.
That was a lie.
Here we go….the truth is that I had stopped taking them because if I died of a heart attack it would be nature taking its course and not me letting anyone down by committing suicide.
And there it is.
My ADHD and depression made dealing with the day to day too hard. Doing what needed to be done seemed insurmountable. Dying seemed easier. The problem was that I have ppl depending on me, and there are a couple of things I still need to do.
That last paragraph sums up about a page and a half…you’re welcome.
This black depression started to lift about a week ago. Thanks at least in part to Louise who was quite adamant about her wanting to help.
In that time I considered what I had to do to improve my lot.
I need to be more social. I seem to have lost the ability to invite ppl for coffee. Ive been wanting to throw a dinner oarty or game night but Im terrified that no will come.
Part of that is finding activities out of the house. Social anxiety makes that hard for me. When I do go out the activities are usually solo.
Im keen to develop my comedy career…I just have to stay on track with that.
When I started this I thought it would be pages and pages, but Ive run out of things to say.
Im going to be heading kff to my angiogram in a bit, so I’m going to leave off here.
I hop what Ive said doesnt cause anyone distress. That wasnt my intent.
One day I saw a man standing on a corner holding a sign saying he was hungry and that he would work for food.
Taking pity on him, I took him to the local sporting goods store and bought him a full set of fishing tackle.
I then took him to the local river and, with the help of Google, I taught him how to fish!
We were both delighted at how quickly he picked it up!
I had taught a man to fish, so he could now feed himself for a lifetime!
Turns out that the parable did not take seafood allergies into account.
Morals of this story:
- “Lifetime” as a unit of measure is relative
- “Due Diligence” is more than a buzzword