Facebook Feature Request

Dear Facebook:

I, like millions of people, am under the complete control of really enjoy using your site  app  hive-mind product  platform!

I’ve noticed an issue where perfectly sane people get caught up in angry arguments over seemingly trivial things like what colour some dress was,   or who should sit on the Iron Throne…oh wait…that last one is not trivial…sorry.

These are not reasoned debates, these are the virtual equivalent of beer tavern brawls!

Well the tv and movie versions of those things,  because in reality a brawl in a bar is usually two guys who are so drunk that they just take clumsy swings at each other until they both fall down.

There has been an alarming increase in people resorting to the use of angry looking but contextually confusing emojii!

The number of people claiming to have a vague recollection of what they were angry about a whole 30 seconds after they post is reaching pandemic levels!

The danger is real!  

I heard that my brother’s cat-sitter’s girlfriend’s hairdresser’s farrier got so mad that he actually had a stroke after someone posted that they thought Burger King was better than McDonalds!

I have a potential solution…

The impending implosion of society can be averted if you gave users the ability to just skip past things in their newsfeed without commenting….

I know…revolutionary right?!

I guess the best way to describe it would be to ask you to imagine that you’re reading a scroll.

If you see something that might upset you on the scroll you’re not going to grab a quill and write an angry comment are you?   That would be silly….you’d be writing by hand…who still does that?

Instead of getting into an argument over something that you didn’t even have an opinion on,  you’re going to keep winding the parchment until you get to something you like,  perhaps a humorous charcoal sketch of a kitten wearing a funny hat.

I hope to see this new Parchment Winding functionality implemented in the near future.
I’d go as far as suggesting it should be an emergency patch.

Your Thrall  Respectfully
David

 

 

A new path…Stand Up Comedian!

I am officially announcing my foray into Stand Up Comedy.

I think its a natural step for me as I’ve been making people laugh (sometimes on purpose) for my whole life,  and I’m an attention whore!

I took the Stand Up Comedy 1 course at Second City Toronto taught by Jim McAleese

It was a great course.  Jim taught us the formula used by many comedians to develop material..yes a FORMULA.

You know what I’m going to say next right?

I’m working on an app!

I’ll talk about some of the things I learned on the course,  but for now, here’s the video of me delivering my 5 minute set during our Grad Show on 24 Jun 2017!

Colorado: An Update

Hi All;

Every time I come here to read, or to provide a link to something I’ve written the headline for the previous entry jumps out at me.

Colorado is doing fine.  In fact she’s back to her normal self…with the exception of being blind as a bat.

She’s eating, she has lots of energy for an old girl.

No point worrying about the future 🙂

 

Please stop reminding me that my dog is dying

In the weeks that have passed since I’ve learned that Colorado, my beloved Queen of Spazmania has cancer I’ve shed a lot of tears.

I took her to the vet after my housemate found some swelling around her neck that came on quite quickly.

Colorado is 9 years old.  She’s a senior lady.  The vet and I both agreed that it would be cruel to subject her to tests and treatment.

When she is no longer comfortable, and happy I will let her go.  Oh I wish I was truly as dispassionate as that looks on my screen

Most days she’s fine.  She doesn’t appear to know that she has cancer.

A few days ago she started becoming lethargic.  She wasn’t eating much, but drinking lots of water, and having accidents in the house.

She’s better now.  I didn’t get a chance to get to Costco to get the dogs their usual food, and it seems that Colorado didn’t care for the Pedigree.   She chowed down on canned food, meat, and even some ice cream.

I’ve been giving her a Cranberry additive to help with the UTI, so she’s actually been great the last couple of days.

I am hesitant to talk about this, as I know that it might hurt some feelings.  There’s no animosity, but I really need people to stop pointing out things that remind me that Colorado’s life clock is ticking down.

There are no hard feelings, there’s no animosity as I know everyone was doing their best to be helpful in a difficult time.

I wasn’t even going to mention it, but several times innocent conversations turned into hours of tears for me.

So understand that I need to do this.

Only those who know me well, and see me often know that I am under an enormous amount of stress.   I have things going on that I won’t talk about here….but these things are cumulative.

I’ve been unable to detach emotionally,  to throw up the barriers, and slip on the “I’m OK” mask that I’ve relied on this past…(yay therapy)

If I do talk about Colorado,  please keep the following in mind:

  • I know the lumps change, and I know how bad/good they are
    • They are completely beyond my control
      • and yes, I know they are likely tumours
  • I know she will have good days and bad
    • Please for the love of all that is holy let me enjoy the good days..okay? Please?
      • stop reminding me that there will be bad days…I KNOW THAT!!!
  • Yes, I know when the end comes it will be a difficult decision
    • I don’t have to “brace myself”,  I’m already doing that
    • No,  I won’t let her suffer a single moment longer just because I don’t want to let her go.
      • Remember I did that for Shelby, even though it was sudden and I wasn’t ready to let him go
  • Yes,  I know she might go to sleep and never wake up
    • I feel guilty because I hope that’s how she goes
    • How well do you think I’ll sleep with that on my mind?
  • Yes,  I remember that she saved my life
    • How do you think I feel knowing that I cannot save hers?
      • Yes, I know she doesn’t care about these things..
  • Yes, its annoying when she has an accident in the house
    • But so fucking what?!!
  • If I start to cry when talking about her, don’t make a big deal of it.

 

I wish I could say how people could help.  The truth is, I don’t know.

I talked to my dad on the phone yesterday.  We talked about the stuff that’s going on, and Colorado.   They were things I didn’t want to talk about,  but after that brief conversation with dad I felt a lot better.

Dad always seems to know the right way to say things.

I think I’d ask that if I don’t want to talk about it,  please don’t push.   If I do, follow my lead…I might need to vent, or just tell someone how I’m feeling.

Thanks for listening.

 

 

 

HuffPo Just Lowered the Bar for Men Everywhere

The Huffington Post has been one of my go-to news sites since a friend first told me about the Canadian edition years ago.

This is despite the right hand column of things HuffPo thinks would interest me.

Suggestions that have amused, irritated and befuddled me…sometimes simultaneously.

I’m a 51 year old, single, male computer programmer.  Sometimes HuffPo seems to think that I’m extremely interested in what celebrity is feuding with some other celebrity,  or how to deal with menopause,  or fashion faux pas to avoid.

This column has links with outrageous click-bait headlines.  You know things like “Meet the 5 year old girl who is better at your job than you are!”

Occasionally I’ve found some of these teaser headlines mildly insulting.  Seriously…anything that involves Tim Hortons, or a moose, is automatically “THE MOST CANADIAN THING EVER!!!”.

Seriously,  everything Canadians have accomplished and a chain of coffee shops, or an animal most Canadians have never see in the wild is the most Canadian thing ever?

All that aside today I ran across a headline that I thought would lead to a touching story  (yeah, I like to read those sometimes, so STFU),  but didn’t.

huffpo1
Click to read the story

There are a lot of things that would’ve made this a great story.  But none of them apply here.

This guy’s wife wanted a weave removed.  When her husband found out what it costs ($50),  he decided to learn how to do it himself.

That’s it.

I’m not saying it’s a bad thing….what I’m saying that if doing that makes this guy “THE HUSBAND OF THE YEAR” then the Huffington Post has a pretty low opinion of men in general.

I have a friend who once spent an entire weekend shopping for the perfect computer desk for his wife, and then assembling it for her.  All because she wanted a keyboard tray, but not one of those keyboard trays you can attach to an existing desk….

He didn’t even get nominated for HUSBAND OF THE YEAR.

Seriously HuffPo,  most of your hyperbolic, feel good click bait headlines are annoying,  but this one just insulted men who support the women in their lives, not because they want to save a buck, but out of love and devotion.

The Case of the Mysterious Loufa

Last Saturday morning, while performing my morning ablutions (which is a fancy term for washing up),  I noticed that my beloved, bedraggled loufa was in the bathroom trashcan.

This was a bit disconcerting because I was planning on taking a shower at that particular moment.

I peeked behind the shower curtain to ascertain the loufa situation.  I saw a bright pink loufa that I was pretty sure belonged to my housemate, Holly.

There was a strange, blue loufa hanging there.  An interloper, if you will, into the collection of shower related instruments, lotions and liquds. (1 of which was mine, 47 of which belong to Holly….and 1 strange loufa).

There was a very real possibility that this strange loufa was left behind by a recently departed house guest.  For the more maudlin of my readers, I’ll point out that by ‘departed’ I meant she went home, and is not “dearly departed”.

I guess I should point out that I am in no way implying that she has cooties..its just that a loufa’s sole purpose is to remove cooties…so would therefore have cooties…

I peeked out and saw that Holly’s door was closed.  She had not yet bellowed out her reminder to bring back French Toast (with maple syrup…there had better be maple syrup!) from my usual weekend breakfast trip to Romeo’s Corner Cafe,  so I presumed she was asleep.

One of the things that I have learned in my two marriages is that you should always let a sleeping woman continue doing exactly that.  No matter what…

This left me with a difficult decision.

Do I either risk infecting myself with the cooties of the aforementioned, recently departed (but very much alive) house guest…or just go through my day smelling bad.

I approached the dogs to see if my odour would repel them.  It did not.  But then I remembered that they will happily root through garbage and weren’t the best indicators of whether or not body odour had reached the level of socially inappropriateness.

I went to breakfast, and watched Nancy carefully for any indication that I was overly, and unpleasantly, fragrant.

She is a seasoned professional though, so I didn’t really trust that she would give any such indication.

I apologized for any discomfort I may have caused by way of a generous tip.

To be on the safe side, I decided to forego my usual weekend ritual of running errands and socializing,  and opted to return home to sit on the couch playing video games.

Hahaha!  Yeah,  lol,  “usual weekend ritual of running errands and socializing”…omg,  I typed that with a straight face!

I soon lost myself in trying to escape Mold Men and crazy Jack Baker in Resident Evil 7.  It can be a very tense game…made worse when Holly came downstairs looking for French Toast.  I did mention that she did not bellow a reminder?

A few hours passed before I remembered about the mystery loufa.

I started out by asking Holly if I smelt bad.

She was a bit startled by the question, and told me I in fact did not.  (In the time that I’ve known her Holly has often pointed out that I am fastidious about my personal hygiene…especially for a “big guy”).

I then asked about the strange loufa.  Explaining about how I didn’t want to get cooties, so I opted to go with ‘smell bad’.

It was with no small amount of laughter, and exasperation that she explained that she had purchased a new loufa for me (and not the house guest),  and reassured me that the loufa was in fact cootie free.

I finally felt it safe to shower, and acquaint myself with this new, strange loufa.

I found it rather large, cumbersome, and somewhat dense…and not at all like my old, bedraggled, and lamented loufa.

Oh loufa, how I miss thee…