My Christmas Gift to the World: A Javascript to bring about World Peace

Okay, here we go.
For you non-programmers I’m adding comments which will either start with // or /*. In the latter case they will end with */.

import Countries, WorldLeaders, Zealots, SuperVillans

//This command tells the program parser to look in these class libraries for special objects, functions and variables

var objWorldLeaders = new WorldLeaders;

//this makes it easier for me to access elements in this class

var objZealots = new Zealots;
var objSuperVillans = new SuperVillans

//Enforce World Leader Parameters conducive to peace

for each (leader in objWorldLeaders) {

// The "for each" will loop through every world leader. "leader" is now an accessible object pointing to the current leader in the stack

if (leader.insane == true) {

leader.insane = false //if the current leader is a whackjob make him sane

leader.prejudice = 0;
leader.fear = 1; //everyone's afraid of something
leader.empathy = 90;
//90% No one should be 100% empathic...that's Deanna Troi territory!

for each (zealot in objZealots) { //same looping logic as World Leaders

var beliefsystem = zealot.beliefs;

//loads the current zealots belief system into a locally declared variable for ease of handling

if (beliefsystem.nonbelievers == "evil") {

try {
//a "try/catch" wrapper will attempt some code and run everything in the catch wrapper if it errors

beliefsystem.nonbelievers = "ok";
catch(err) {

beliefsystem.beliefs = "Buddhism";
beliefsystem.strength = 100; //belief in his/her faith is now 100%

if (zealot.gender == 'M') {
zealot.desiretobeamonk = true; //the zealot now feels compelled to be a monk
} else {
if (zealot.gender == 'F') {
zealot.desiretobeanun = true; //the zealot now feels compelled to be a nun
zealot.location = "Tibet"; //what better place to be a Buddhist Monk or Nun?
zealot.passport = false; = false; = "Maxed";

// Just making sure he or she can't escape


for each (sv in objSuperVillans) { = true; //give the supervillan their own move

if (sv.gender == 'M') { = "Pauly Shore";
} else { = "Roseanne Barr";
} = "That dissheveled guy whose always at Starbucks";

//That should pretty much take care of all the supervillans :)


//This next bit is a "function". A piece of repeatable code

function EnforcePeace(objPerson) {

while (objPerson.thinking == true) {

if (objPerson.thought == "Violent" ||
objPerson.thought == "Harmful") {

objPerson.thought = "Happy";

/* This will run while a person is thinking.
If a person's thoughts become violent or harmful, their thought processes will be changed to Happy


for each (person in theWorld) {


//the "SpawnAsynchronousThread" function is one I just made up so the system won't loop on the first person until they stop thinking


Now all we need is a server to run it on! It should be a test server…its 3am, I have no idea what I’m still doing out of bed so there are probably some logic errors.

Merry Christmas everyone!



Okay, first off…I’m not a Christian.  I was, but now I’m not.   I’m almost a Buddhist, having a strong belief in karma.

Second off...fair warning: This is going to offend some people…

When I typed the title “MERRY CHRISTMAS”  I did not burst out in flames, children did not weep and the rivers did not flow with blood.  Well…actually…I don’t know about the latter two, but the first definitely I did not burst into flames.  I know this because the smoke detector didn’t go off…wait a minute.  I unplugged the smoke detector!

Okay, I’ve just looked in the bathroom mirror and I can confirm I did not burst into flames.

I really hate the hulabaloo that people make this time of year over what to call things, or how to wish people well.  Its like you can’t open your mouth without offending someone.

I’ve been reading about schools cancelling Christmas concerts because they don’t want to be “exclusionary”.  Seriously….wtf?   These are our educators and unless things have changed and you can now administer a school with a grade 8 education you’d think these blithering dunderheads would see this as an opportunity to expand the horizons of the young minds over which they’re given charge.  But no…in an effort to not exclude a minority they end up pretty much stealing Christmas from everyone else.

Actually wait…they’re not “stealing Christmas”, but rather sucking the joy out of the festive season.    Seriously, how many 5 year olds are now going to grow up to be meth-heads because they didn’t learn responsibility and dedication by playing a tree during the annual Christmas pageant?

Now here’s the thing.  You are going to get a smattering of folk who are going to be offended by you trying to hold some sort of event with the word  “Christmas” in it.  Let me fill you in on a basic facts of life here:

  • Some people LOVE to be offended…so much so that they seek it out.    There was a story online recently about some guy who complained about a nude woman silhouette decal on his neighbour’s SUV, complaining to the police that it was lewd and offensive.  The cop said she could keep it…  /end digression
  • In western civilization we’ve been celebrating Christmas for centuries…its our tradition!   Just like I cannot go around slapping duct tape over the mouths of people who I think shouldn’t be allowed to talk,  you must put up with seasonal festivities…because its the way we roll here in the west.
  • The only people who are excluded by Christmas celebrations are those who CHOOSE to be excluded!  I’ve spent most of my adult life as a non-Christian.  I’ve never felt excluded.  In fact the best Christmas party I’ve ever attended was at a friend’s house…he and his family are Muslims…and they said,”Hey, we’re having a Christmas party!”.  It was on a Saturday night btw.  I just never bothered with the religious bit

And a “HOLIDAY TREE”???   Really????   This is a “Holiday Tree”  You sit under them and drink Mai Tai’s or whatever when you are on “Holidays”.

This would be a much better world if people would just chill out and stop taking irrelevant crap so seriously.  (How many of you are thinking “Pot” meet “Kettle” right now?)

So, if you’re a non Christian here are some things to consider….during the Christmas season you’re likely going to hear the story of the Christ child.  Whether you believe it or not, its irrelevant…its a story that some people believe is true, and others don’t.   If you’re of the former, then take the opportunity to share stories of your cultures winter holidays….or you can do like I do and get really drunk and tell people about your favorite strippers (that’s always a holiday favorite at my house).

I’m not letting you Christians off the hook here……let’s address the “Put the Christ Back into Christmas” bit.    Now, you see…when you complain on one hand that municipalities have “Holiday Trees” and bemoan that people complain about being “excluded” .   Religion is an intensely personal thing, if you think that Christ needs to be put back into Christmas, then look within.   Having said that I agree that Christmas has become a highly commercialized reason to shop.  I have no problems with that…I love to shop (just not around Christmas…because you know…I hate people…especially other people driving cars (or walking) in mall parking lots close to Christmas).  But I can understand how commercialization has ruined it for a lot of people.  Today I was trying to get out of the local mall and stuck waiting for 2 couples to finish their conversation….several polite “Excuse me”‘s did not seem to get them to move.   Fortunately being trained by both the military AND the theater to yell, er umm…project my voice, that particular situation was soon remedied (and you know what…staring daggers at me doesn’t really bother me 🙂 ).

The final point I’d like to make on that is that “Christmas” originated by the Holy Roman Church amalgamating local customs and traditions into their own to ease assimilation of the masses.   So the real “Reason for the Season” is that the longest night of the year has just passed and its time to slaughter the cattle and preserve the meat in hopes you don’t starve to death before spring…and oh yeah, lets have a massive party!

I want to close on a serious note here:

The important thing to remember is that Christmas has been a time of peace in Western culture for centuries.   Wars STOPPED for a brief period to allow both sides to celebrate.  It is that spirit that I think every person, regardless of faith, or belief should go forward with in this season….and while we’re at it, lets go for the entire year!

The other thing I want to mention is to keep in mind that this time of year is really hard for people, especially where the economy has tanked and the ranks of the jobless have soared.  Keep in mind those who are doing without.  The jobless, the homeless, the mentally ill and please, for the love of {insert deity here} drop some money in donation barrels, or food donations, or donate some time.  Suicides are high this time of year, depression is rampant…you never know, the smallest gesture may go a long way.

I’m going to give a shout out to my special friend who stopped by a WalMart and with the help of a manager, picked out 5 layaway plans that appeared to be for Christmas gifts for young children and paid them off…anonymously.   That’s the sort of shit I do 🙂  She said I inspired her 🙂

One last thing…

If someone says “Merry Christmas!”, or “Happy Holidays”, or “Happy Decemeber”, or whatever warm wishes they choose to you and you get offended….then go kick yourself in the ‘nads,  because seriously….you’re not worth the effort of having someone do it for you.

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go plug the smoke detector back in, and find a 24 hr store that sells fire extinguishers.


Being Bi-Polar…

A lot of you who know me know I’m bi-polar.  And if you know me, and didn’t know I was bi-polar have the good grace to act surprised.

What you may not know is that a lot of the time being bi-polar is a massive pain in the ass.

The mood swings are bad enough on their own….but actually, it occurs to me that since the global economy started tanking its been easier.   Now when I, for no particular reason, break down into a sobbing mess in the grocery store, no one looks twice because with prices being what they are its not uncommon to see people sobbing in the corners plugging numbers into calculators.

I should point out that when I actually rarely break down into tears when grocery shopping.  Most of the time I sing.  There have been times when I’ve been complimented on my singing…like the time I finished my rendition of “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis while picking over peppers.  The lady next to me said that was the most beautiful version of that song she’d heard sung by a male…I tried to blush prettily but being a big, burly sort I think I only achieved “constipated” .

I once did the Phantom of Opera in its entirety while shopping at a mall.  No one complimented me then, but I was quite impressed with myself.

One of the most annoying things about being bi-polar is other people.

Some people like to attribute pretty much everything I do to being bi-polar…let me give you an example:

Me: [yelling a lot, expressing displeasure with the actions of an acquaintance]

Her: “Oh sweetie, you’re angry?  Are you manic? Have you been taking your meds?”


…you should know that I typically despise anything with “Dancing” or “with the stars” in the title…but I really like Dr. Who.
This particular misadventure caused me to discover fodder for another blog entry “How Rogers ‘On-Demand’ Promotes Piracy”…but I’m digressing again.

Well, actually a situation like that wouldn’t cause me to yell…just be irritated….but “YOU THREW OUT 3 YEARS WORTH OF TAX RECEIPTS BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE….DID THE FACT THAT THEY WERE STAPLED TO FANCY PAPERS WITH ‘TAX RETURN’ WRITTEN ALL OVER THEM NOT CLUE YOU IN!???” just didn’t sound as humorous….and I exaggerated, it was only one tax receipt.

Another thing that likely happens to bi-polar people are conversations like this:

Other Person: Hey, you’re a bit down?
Me: Yeah, just a bit of depression, no big deal.
Other Person: Why are you depressed?
Me: [flat look] I’m bi-polar, I don’t need a [expletive deleted] reason to be depressed!
Other Person: Awww, you’re angry…are you taking your meds?
Me: Look Officer, just STFU and give me my ticket!

Now, if you watch pretty much any crime drama on tv that was made in this century you will know that if I go off my meds I will likely go on some violent crime spree…because every maniac (I use that term deliberately…because I really like irony) who does atrocious things isn’t just some sicko hell-bent on causing mayhem, but is in fact “bi-polar and off his meds”….and if you follow these programs you will wonder often if the “bi-polar and off their meds” folk aren’t actually the ones with badges and guns.

I know a few bi-polar people, and have seen some of them off their meds and I can assure you that not one of them have called me in the middle of the night to confirm that I drive a Buick, and that the trunk is empty, and if I own a spade, other digging device, or a shiny metal badge.  (the answer to those would invariably be “Yes”,” No”,”Does a snow shovel count?”, and “Ummm…what??”).

For the record there is pretty much zero chance of me going on a crime spree if I go off my meds, because that would take effort, and whilst off my meds I am rather lazy (its hard to muster the energy)…and well…it would interfere with World of Warcraft.

There are lots of people out there who are bi-polar, and probably a lot more that are undiagnosed…or do things that make you wonder if they’re bi-polar or not.  The state of the world economy isn’t making it easier to pick them out though…which is a sad state of affairs.  If you were anywhere near a television in the last few months you will have seen footage of them camping in droves in city parks around the world….until, in some places, some “bi-polar and off their meds” types came along and beat the crap out of them with batons.

Note to self….buy Pfizer stock…