Why I’d make a crappy bank robber…

This is one of those thoughts that just popped into my head and begged to be released onto an unsuspecting public (ie: you).

The first reason I would completely suck at robbing banks is that I’m pretty mellow.

I couldn’t barge into a bank and point a gun at people and yell at them to “GET ON THE GROUND {EXPLETIVES DELETED}”
I would be more like, “Ummm, everyone, could I have your attention please, umm, everyone..excuse me?  Fantastic..listen, I hate to be bother but could you all please lie face down on the floor and not move? ”
“Yes Ma’am, you have a question? ”
“Oh, you’ve got a bad knee?  Could someone fetch this lady a chair please?  Great, can I you get something Ma’am, coffee, water?  Does anyone else need anything?”

I’m not kidding about being mellow, even under stress.  Being a military medic I was often pushed into situations where a bunch of people were running around screaming while someone was bleeding profusely.  My opening line when I got to the patient was to smile and say “Don’t try this at home, I’m a professional!” as I started my primary survey.
Every time I was the first responder for a mock disasters,  invariably, on the critique it would say, “Failed to convey a sense of urgency.”
No one sweated it, I was like that all the time….but I was an awesome medic…much better than I am at writing satire.

Now, to give them credit, the Canadian Forces Medical Services did TRY to break me of this trait.  During training we were running a mock exercise (because no one was considerate enough to have a real disaster during that time slot in our sylabbus).   I was put in charge of the patient on this go around…the conversation went something like this:

“Hey Frank! Toss me a shell dressing!”

Sgt:  “Leading Seaman Rothbauer did I just hear you address Cpl Bloggins by his first name??”

Me: “Sorry Sgt.  Cpl Bloggins, toss me a shell dressing please!”

Sgt: “Leading Seaman Rothbauer, you are in a crisis situation trying to save this man’s life…you don’t say PLEASE!!!”

Me: “Yes Sgt.  Did you notice I didn’t say Thank You?”

…small wonder I never made it past the rank of Leading Seaman (which is Corporal to you lubbers)….that and if you asked Leading Seaman Rothbauer what he thought about   something, LS Rothbauer would tell you exactly what he thought, not what you wanted to hear (unless you really wanted to hear what he thought)
…and yes, that is a completely true, unembellished story…the names have been conveniently forgotten to protect..umm..I don’t really know who I’m protecting.

Let’s get back to why I’d make a crappy bank robber…

So you know that the police aren’t going to politely wait around for me to finish robbing the bank because I’m being so nice to the customers, and would likely arrest me during one of my forays to the local coffee shop because I forgot to get cream for one of my victim’s coffee.

From my extensive crime show watching experience I understand many use notes to rob banks.  This would be equally ineffective as I tend to over-communicate (and often wander from my point), that and I can be very polite…

So this is probably what my “Bank Robber’s Note” to the teller would look like:

Dear Bank Employee:

Please do not scream, or sound any alarms, this is a robbery, and I have a gun!
Well, sorry, I can’t really lie.  I don’t have a gun, and even if I did, being a Buddhist I try to adhere to the first Precept “Harm No Living Thing”, so I wouldn’t actually shoot you, as you appear to be living and my vast medical experience tells me that there is a high probability that shooting someone will in fact harm them.

I would also appreciate it if you didn’t cry, because if you do, I’ll start, and no one likes seeing a fat guy cry…even if he’s got a gun.

Okay, lets get down to business!  If you’d…oh wait…hold on.  This is probably going to traumatize you.  Please accept my apologies in advance.  In fact I will go so far as to give you the name of my therapist, [redacted].   Have her send the bill to David Rothbauer,  82 [Redacted], Stratford, Ontario

Now, if you’d please fill this bag with money, foregoing the traditional exploding GPS dye packs, that would be very much appreciated.

Thanks, and Good Luck in Your Future Endeavours!

David Rothbauer

if I ever decide on a life of crime, I am so going to jail…unless my mom gets to me first…


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