Writing a dating profile…

I am very good with the written word.

I have documented evidence of this in the form of an A received in the Business Communications portion of an IT Cert program I took almost 10 years ago.

There is one thing that stymies though…well, actually one area.    That is “Dating Site Communications”

I don’t seem to be able to write an effective profile and while I’ve met one or two great women (who were not my type…or in one case…not a woman), I usually manage to get the attention of crazy cat ladies and black widows, or women who ask, “Do you have room in your apartment for me and my 5 kids….like tonight???”

I did have porn star Jill Kelly want to come and be my girlfriend once.   I thought it was odd because the picture he..er..umm she sent me was a popular promo shot but she didn’t really have any knowledge of her own filmography…or the offerings of the studio she owned…I thought that was weird, and while yes,  she was mega-hot that wasn’t enough to compensate for being that forgetful.   Well that and she asked me for nude pictures of myself about 15 times in the first 20 minutes, and well…her choice of words were very masculine and…well…wait…we only talked for about 10 before I got weirded out…well, I got weirded out after about 10 seconds…but you know…didn’t want to be rude.

Porn star Jill Kelly at the 2003 Adult Enterta...
Hey Mom! This could've been your daughter-in-law! Image via Wikipedia


So anyway,  its time to re-write my dating profile.

In reading profiles of women I might be interested in I often see that they start with “The first thing you’ll notice about me is…”.   I find it interesting that they never say “my boobs”,  because I’ve heard women complain a lot about men not noticing anything else.    I should point out to anyone wanting to go into sales where convention attendance is required and your customer base is largely female…that conference id badges generally hang at about that level…so its better to ask them for a business card then to stare and try to make out their name and position.  Because you know…it won’t occur to them that you’re trying to get their name and where they are from.

Anyway, I thought it important to find out what women noticed about me first, so I grabbed a clip board and went to my local mall and did a survey.

The survey results are interesting:

95% of respondents answered: “Creepy and weird”  (or “Weird and creepy”)

3% stated “Sad and Lonely”

1% Fled

1%  stated: “I’m calling 911!”

I should point out that this is a pretty small sample size because, for some reason, the police showed up and asked me to leave and apparently I’m no longer allowed in the only mall in town.  Which is okay because they don’t have a decent shoe store anyway.

I don’t think I want to start my profile with:

Hi,  most people will tell you that the first thing you’ll notice about me is that I’m creepy and weird


I’m the sort of guy whose open to seeking the opinions of others….

I know…lame…

The going advice is to put things you like to do…so

I like World of Warcraft, writing satire, weird movies (like Weirdsville),  making 3D art, writing software, reading and sleeping.  

Film poster for Weirdsville - Copyright 2007, ...
Image via Wikipedia

There is one thing that counts against me as in about 99.9% of women’s dating profiles who are around my age I see things like:


Now, I wonder if they put that in there to make themselves more attractive, but…I have no interest in professional sports.   Not even women’s beach volley-ball as some people keep asking if that’s included in my general dislike of watching sports.   My response is always the same…”Ummm…hello?  Internet???  And ummm…I’m not that pathetic, but thanks.”

But…well…my second wife liked sports.   When we still lived out west and we came home to Ontario to visit, my wife would be downstairs with “the boys” watching hockey while I would be curled up somewhere with a book.  My sister-in-law did offer to teach me how to knit so I’d fit in better with the girls.    They did invite me to join their conversations, but when it became evident that I knew more about lady’s fashion than they did they sorta shunned me.

Women who know me tell me that I’d make a great catch because apparently I’m smart and witty, and generous and a great cook and good looking….well…by “women who know me”, I mean my mom.  (I’m just kidding…my mom has only told me that I’m a great cook)

So, I’m not really sure how to go about this whole dating profile thing…

I suppose I should get some pictures done where I’m smiling…its been pointed out that there isn’t a picture past the age of 10 where I’m smiling.  That’s kind of odd because when a camera isn’t pointed at me, I usually have a silly grin plastered on my face…



One thought on “Writing a dating profile…

  1. I didn’t use dating sites much when I was single but the few times I did I would totally have gone for that profile rather than the “I like football, drinking a big breasts. I don’t know why I’m still single.” profiles I normally found. I did find a site called Geek Dating or something along those lines, but most of the people on it were from the US, which would be fine for you.

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