Things to never say to your female signifcant other…

screw for wood. Photo taken in Japan.
If you’ve said anything listed below to your significant other. The past tense of this pic applies to you!(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been single for a very long time,  but that has given me a unique perspective on relationships after hearing my friends of both genders complain about their SO’s.

So here is a list I’ve compiled to help people stay happy in their relationships:

Things to never say to a woman with whom you are in a relationship.

1.  But you said it was fine if I went out with my friends on your birthday!

In womanese,  fine is an antonym for the male version of the word.  In other words when a woman says, “Everything is fine”,  what she means is “You’re being a jerk, and I’m going to make you suffer…JERK!”

2.  Ummm, its 2 sizes too small,  of course it makes your ass look big.

The only correct answer to the question that triggers this response is “of course not!”.   For bonus points you can add,  “You’re beautiful!”.  NOTE:  If you only use “You’re beautiful” or any other compliment that dodges the question, you will likely be in trouble as to your partner you just said, “Yes, it does make your ass look big.”.

Also note,  trying to recover by singing Sir-Mix-Alot’s  “Baby Got Back”  will not make things any easier.

3.  Who gives a f**k what your friends/mother/sister  thinks?

This is self-explanatory.   Even if she pretends not to,  she does care…and the fact that you are in a relationship with her,  you should care too!   This gets really tricky when she’s complaining bitterly about something her friend did,  then asks you for your opinion!   Good Luck!  I would suggest faking a stroke or something.

4a.   Uh,  no,  I wasn’t checking the waitress out,  I just happened to look in that direction

4b.    Waitress?  What waitress?

4c.   Well yeah,   I mean look,  if you were a dude you’d check her out too!

If your date so much as suspects you’ve checked out another woman while with her…just take your licks….you’re screwed.   Its best to look only into her eyes.   This may cause you to miss your mouth while eating…hopefully she’ll find that endearing….or at least less offensive than you checking other women out.


RTOD: An Open Letter to Pedestrians from a Driver

Dear Pedestrian;

I feel it a matter of some urgency that I point out to you that the laws of physics are not somehow altered whenever you step out of your abode for a stroll.   I say this because with the start of the nice weather it seems that I have people stepping out in front of my car at inappropriate times every time I pull out of my drive.

My car requires anywhere from 10 – 300 feet to stop.   This will depend on a variety of factors such as speed,  at which point I see you step in front of me,  and,  if, having seen you,  I am inclined to stop.  Just kidding…I’d try and stop…promise!

I should also point out that I do not have x-ray vision,  nor do I have 360 degrees of vision.    What this means is that when you run out into traffic from behind an obstruction,  such as a parked vehicle  I will not see you until you’re in front of me.    Unless you have have xray vision you will not see me until you look to see what is causing that sudden pain as I accidentally drive over you because you ran out  2 feet in front of me in the middle of a block,  from behind a parked van.

There are dozens of reasons that would keep us drivers  from seeing you.   Weather,  if the sun is behind you,  or if its raining hard and you’re wearing dull colours.   Iif you’re hidden by the A, B or C posts (those are the things holding the ceiling of the car up),   or you coming running out of nowhere…or maybe the driver of the car you’re about to run in front of is distracted and doesn’t see you.

For survival’s sake,  make eye contact with the driver before stepping out.   That way you can be assured that they can see you,  because even  if you are legally and morally in the right,  you,  dear pedestrian,  are made of flesh, blood and bone.    My car is made of fiberglass and steel.    If we meet by accident,  while I might lose in a legal sense,  and would carry guilt with me no matter where the true fault lie,  the sad fact is that, overall,  you’re still going to get hurt,  and/or killed.

Have a safe and collision free summer!

The Harper Government is the most awesomest, superduperst government ever!

Yessiree folks!   Stephen Harper’s band of intrepid politicians is completely awesome and infallible.

So infallible that they’ve prohibited public sector employees from speaking out against the government!   They call these “duty of loyalty” but obviously they’re just saying that.  What they really mean is “so that other people don’t think we employ nutjobs who think we, and our policies suck”

It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that if people who work for the government start complaining about policy that other people might go, “Hey, the Harper Government isn’t superdooper awesome….they’re actually kinda stupid!!”.  After all,  the only reason to suppress criticism is when you fear it.   And the only reason to fear criticism is when its true!

Hmmm…”Duty of Loyalty”….

Does that mean public sector employees have to vote Conservative during the next election?

stephen harper
Industrious Beaver, symbol of Canada…worn out by trying to keep ahead of crazy policies (Photo credit: jacob earl)

Match.com: Scam or Dating Bonanza?

I’ve been mulling over the dating situation for quite some time now.

Its been awhile…a very long while.   I’ve been caught up with my own stuff,  enjoying life,  but lately I’ve been thinking it would be nice to have someone special.

So,  I thought I’d try Match.com.   A “Premium Dating Site”.

I have to say, these people are either very eager to get my credit card #,  or I am hot stuff!

I posted this picture…

The only picture in existence where I am smiling.

I just realized it has a torn afghan in the background…1 sec

Photoshop?! Never heard of it

So anyway…my phone starts chirping madly along with my incoming email alert on my PC.

So,  I think maybe there are places in the states where there aren’t many guys,  because there are some very nice looking women who are interested in flying all the way up here to be my girlfriend I guess.  So desperate for attention they even winked without reading my profile (well,  one of them did).

Whether match.com is a scam or these are just some attention seeking clowns I really can’t say.

But,  I’d read that some dating sites have shill accounts my intention was to let my profile sit for a few days before signing up.    I’m not saying that the website prompted these women to do this.  I’m also not saying they didn’t.  I’m merely laying it out there for you to decide.

There are a few women from my area.   One of them might’ve emailed me…I don’t know because I have to pay to see who did.

And,  thanks to being flooded with spurious winks,  that’s not going to happen.

Maybe I should start going out to bars or something…I’ve always been the unconventional sort…

RTOD: Line I so badly want to use on someone who just irritated me…

“You’re nothing more than a shit-stain on humanity’s panties”

which is slightly better than:

“Hey,  the Stone Age called.  They want their social skills and knowledge of science back”

 

So go ahead, “Make my day!”