Things to never say to your female signifcant other…

screw for wood. Photo taken in Japan.
If you’ve said anything listed below to your significant other. The past tense of this pic applies to you!(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been single for a very long time,  but that has given me a unique perspective on relationships after hearing my friends of both genders complain about their SO’s.

So here is a list I’ve compiled to help people stay happy in their relationships:

Things to never say to a woman with whom you are in a relationship.

1.  But you said it was fine if I went out with my friends on your birthday!

In womanese,  fine is an antonym for the male version of the word.  In other words when a woman says, “Everything is fine”,  what she means is “You’re being a jerk, and I’m going to make you suffer…JERK!”

2.  Ummm, its 2 sizes too small,  of course it makes your ass look big.

The only correct answer to the question that triggers this response is “of course not!”.   For bonus points you can add,  “You’re beautiful!”.  NOTE:  If you only use “You’re beautiful” or any other compliment that dodges the question, you will likely be in trouble as to your partner you just said, “Yes, it does make your ass look big.”.

Also note,  trying to recover by singing Sir-Mix-Alot’s  “Baby Got Back”  will not make things any easier.

3.  Who gives a f**k what your friends/mother/sister  thinks?

This is self-explanatory.   Even if she pretends not to,  she does care…and the fact that you are in a relationship with her,  you should care too!   This gets really tricky when she’s complaining bitterly about something her friend did,  then asks you for your opinion!   Good Luck!  I would suggest faking a stroke or something.

4a.   Uh,  no,  I wasn’t checking the waitress out,  I just happened to look in that direction

4b.    Waitress?  What waitress?

4c.   Well yeah,   I mean look,  if you were a dude you’d check her out too!

If your date so much as suspects you’ve checked out another woman while with her…just take your licks….you’re screwed.   Its best to look only into her eyes.   This may cause you to miss your mouth while eating…hopefully she’ll find that endearing….or at least less offensive than you checking other women out.


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