Depression: It hurts to smile…

I woke up depressed this morning.

I’m going to try and describe the thought processes,  the cycles, and the feelings that go through my head in hopes that people understand,  when someone they know is fighting depression,  a little more about how insidious the disease is.

Things have been piling up…

Everyone who knows me,  knows that mostly,  I don’t let things get to me.   I deal with life’s curve balls,   knowing that I will get past them.

Depression makes that difficult,  especially when you live alone.

This morning, the mere act of putting on socks took me almost 30 minutes.  30 minutes where that simple daily act was tantamount to climbing a mountain.

When I remembered that I had to go and buy dog food prior to going to work, I wanted to curl up into a ball and die rather than make the 20 minute trip to the 24-hr grocery store.   But,  I love my dogs, and they’re my lifeline,  so off I went.

Then…facing the day at work….ugh…honestly,  as I walked to the car to drive to work I felt like vomiting.  

I was walking down the hall to my department, and as happens often,  someone passed me, smiled and said, “Hello.”.   I smiled back and responded in kind.  Something that usually comes easily….but this morning,  it actually physically and emotionally hurt to smile.

Most of my co-workers are very attuned to my moods.  When I need it,  I get the space I need.   There is never any judgement or reproach.   

Its the end of the work day now (literally).   I survived.   I got some stuff done.   I’m feeling a bit better…

After reading this…some of you might want to call me weak.   If you do, come say it to my face and show me how strong and brave you are.  No…seriously….do that,  I could use the laugh.

I’ll sign off by reassuring everyone that I’m ok.  I’m not suicidal (I simply don’t have time right now).





4 thoughts on “Depression: It hurts to smile…

    1. It usually passes with time, but things that have worked for me are things like coding (programming), or hanging out with someone I trust and whose company I enjoy.

      After work, I met with the graphic designer I recruited for my tech start-up. We chatted for about an hour about our projects, and how to move forward.

      It was fun and afterwards I found it better.

      1. Thank you for sharing that. I recently asked my doctor about depression. I didn’t pass the test but I felt similar to what you described. Being pro active about it, being with people who are “good” places themselves or interacting as you did in interesting things, helps me get out of that funk I was in. It was helpful to know what you do. Thanks again. Jayne

      2. Hi;
        I’m not sure what test your doctor used, but…well, if you think you are depressed, please get a second opinion.
        I has a psychiatrist when I asked if it was possible that I had ADHD that it was just they way my “bi-polar brain worked.”
        Years later, when I had a new psychiatrist, I asked him. He tested me, and I passed with flying colours (I didn’t even study!).

        He started me on Vyvanse. It was life changing. Days didn’t drag on, my productivity soared and I found I could pay attention in meetings.

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