Thoughts on turning 50

It’s 12:40 AM on Nov 11 2015.

I am officially 50 years old.  Half a century.

The weeks leading up to this day have been difficult.

I obsessed on what I didn’t have.

“I have no one and nothing!”  was a constant mantra.

I was depressed,  and I grew angry and bitter.

I reflected on everything I’ve done for others,  and I began to resent myself for it.

For working towards the greater the good instead of my own fulfillment.

And despite all that sacrifice, I had nothing and no one.

Its embarrassing to admit that.    I don’t do the things I do for reward.

Then a few days ago my eyes were opened.

Through the gentle and determined persistence of some close friends I saw that delusional bullshit I had managed to sell myself.

I was surrounded by people who genuinely care about me.

Not for what I do for them,  but because I am who I am.

I suddenly saw how I fit neatly into the different social circles I run in.

So…today is not a mile marker piled on broken dreams,  but rather a mile stone on the path to wherever I’m headed.

And I know that path is not a lonely one.

To my persistent friends….thank you for not giving up on me…even though I wanted you to.

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