Thoughts on turning 50

It’s 12:40 AM on Nov 11 2015.

I am officially 50 years old.  Half a century.

The weeks leading up to this day have been difficult.

I obsessed on what I didn’t have.

“I have no one and nothing!”  was a constant mantra.

I was depressed,  and I grew angry and bitter.

I reflected on everything I’ve done for others,  and I began to resent myself for it.

For working towards the greater the good instead of my own fulfillment.

And despite all that sacrifice, I had nothing and no one.

Its embarrassing to admit that.    I don’t do the things I do for reward.

Then a few days ago my eyes were opened.

Through the gentle and determined persistence of some close friends I saw that delusional bullshit I had managed to sell myself.

I was surrounded by people who genuinely care about me.

Not for what I do for them,  but because I am who I am.

I suddenly saw how I fit neatly into the different social circles I run in.

So…today is not a mile marker piled on broken dreams,  but rather a mile stone on the path to wherever I’m headed.

And I know that path is not a lonely one.

To my persistent friends….thank you for not giving up on me…even though I wanted you to.

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One thought on “Thoughts on turning 50

  1. Your honesty and unflinching willingness to put it out there continues. Thanks for writing your thoughts on these blogs. Please don’t ever stop. And welcome to 50. It is a lot more comfortable than I thought it would be.

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