It has been pointed out that I’ve been relatively silent for the past week or so.
Normally this is a bad sign. When depression sets in that’s what I do. I fall silent. I avoid contact. I try not to be a nuisance, and above all else I avoid letting anyone know that I’m hurting.
That is not the case here.
Despite the fact that its mid-February which is typically the worst part of the year for me in terms of mental health.
I’m better than okay.
I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it.
I discussed it with my psychiatrist who was pleased to see the insight I was showing into my own progress.
I first realized it when I blurted out, to an empty room, and for no reason at all, “Life is good!”
That surprised me.
These unprompted, sudden exclamations to no one in particular aren’t new to me. But until now they were heavily negative. Usually, “I hate my life!”.
Honestly, I did.
The past few years have been hard.
I won’t go into details. Some of you know the meat of it.
It got much worse towards the end of 2015. Terrible in fact.
It is with a bit of humour that, at this point, I let you know that my answer to anyone who asked me if I was suicidal was, “No, I have too much to do yet.”
And then I found that I had lost almost everything that was important to me…..I no longer “had too much to do.”
Then I found that I didn’t lose everything that was important to me….my eyes were opened to the fact that there were a great many people who cared about, and not, as I suspected, because of what I could do for them.
What I found was that I have friends. Good friends that I could tell that things weren’t good.
What I did lose was what I thought was my purpose in life.
I suddenly found myself with no one to look after, no one to protect, no mission, no purpose except to get through each day.
I can’t recall a time when I didn’t have some external thing that kept me going.
But there I was….
It was terrifying. The lack of purpose consumed my every waking thought.
Emotionally, psychologically, spiritually I hit bottom.
It may have been the best thing that happened to me.
It was just last week that I realized that what I thought was a horrible emptiness, was a blessing.
I had no one to rescue. Nothing to fix……except me.
I didn’t even realize that I was doing it. But I started working through the issues I pushed down, or blotted out while helping others.
Eventually I noticed that my thinking was much clearer. My thoughts are calmer, even when contemplating things that would normally cause me a great deal of distress.
At the same time, I’ve allowed myself to get angry over things that I should, rightfully, get angry over. That’s always been a difficult thing for me.
I think the most important thing I’ve come to accept is that I am important, and, so long as I’m not a complete asshole about it, it’s perfectly okay to put my needs ahead of others (except my dogs, and cat).
So yeah, I feel better than I have in years.
Life is good…..finally.