I’ve noticed that Colorado’s vision has been getting worse.
A while back I noticed that when I would throw her ball for her, she’d often go right by it several times as she excitedly searched for it. I knew she had cataracts, but honestly, I wasn’t sure if she was just too excited to see it.
Then, a few months ago she started bumping into furniture in dark rooms.
A couple of weeks ago, I gave her a treat and even though I was holding it right in front of her, she didn’t see it until I moved it slightly to the her right.
I imagine that many human beings in this situation would despair at the loss of their vision.
Colorado is not bothered by it.
Several times I’ve witnessed her come barrelling through the livingroom, only to run into something.
Each time, she picks herself up, and continues on whatever quest she is on.
She does not stop and think, “WTF?!”
Thoughts of a life without vision don’t seem to intrude.
This became evident when I was throwing her tennis ball for her. Normally I throw it from living room to dining room. It is not a rare for her to lose track of it and end up weaving around the dining room table in search of it. She likes that game, she is always very excited and happy and when we play.
This time she couldn’t find the ball. It was in the middle of the floor. I pointed at it and she still couldn’t see it…..until I put my finger on it.
Her reaction…..”OMG! I FOUND THE BALL!!! YAY FOR ME!!!! AGAIN!AGAIN!AGAIN!!!”
The fact that she needed help didn’t diminish her joy one bit.
She didn’t become consumed with what would happen when the time came that she couldn’t see at all.
She rejoiced in the moment. Nothing else mattered.
…and that is the purest example I can think of for “Living in the Now”
It is something I’ve struggled to achieve since the concept was introduced to me years ago by my then therapist Roberta.
Essentially, Living in the Now means not worrying about what could happen in the next moment, or obsessing over what happened in the last.
In the example Roberta gave, imagine the van you are driving is stuck in the mud.
Worrying about what will happen if you don’t reach your destination in time, or obsessing over the circumstances that got you stuck will not get you unstuck.
I will point out that this doesn’t mean shirking responsibilities or not learning from mistakes.
In the past year there have been many changes in my life. Happily I’ve made great strides toward this whole living in the moment thing.
I am better at taking each day as it comes. But there are things that I still need to work on.
I think fear is one of the strongest forces in nature. Especially when the fear is one of the biggest an individual faces.
That is why this lesson on Living in the Now is a hard one for me.
Both my dogs are getting older.
Even though it is an unavoidable aspect of nature, the thought of losing them terrifies me.
It is not that the fact that they will someday die that worries me.
The darkness that looms large and often makes me feel small and helpless is that when they are gone that I will be alone.
And that my friends, is my biggest fear.
It might surprise a great deal of you because I often seek solitude, and am well known for not being able to stay in large gatherings for very long.
But, that solitude has always included my girls.
When these musings are coupled with depression, the thought of not being able to reach over and run my fingers through canine fur reduces me tears….even when I’m actually doing just that.
That is the anti-thesis of Living in the Now.
It was a week before I could return to work, and nearly 6 months before a day passed without me crying over his absence.
That was during a difficult time in my life. I wasn’t ready to let him go, but he was ready, and I made him a promise. And I keep my promises no matter how badly they cut.
In the immediate time after. People kept their distance. Close friends and family told others that I would want my space, and to grieve in private.
I appreciated it, because that’s what I thought I needed.
It was only years later that I realized how very wrong that was. My isolation exacerbated the pervasive emptiness in my life.
Now, even though both my girls are healthy and happy, that fear is back.
While most of the time I enjoy the time with my girls without any thought of what happens, there are times when the future intrudes and cannot be pushed away.
My life is much better now. I have more friends, and am better at being social.
I know in my heart that my friends and family will be there whatever the day brings.
But one of the things about mental illness is that your head sometimes injects false and terrifying realities that are not easily banished.
I’ve been working on this for awhile.
A bought of depression sprang up sometime after I first came up with the idea for this post. I don’t know if working on it is what caused my current bought of depression.
It was very difficult to finish….