Please stop reminding me that my dog is dying

In the weeks that have passed since I’ve learned that Colorado, my beloved Queen of Spazmania has cancer I’ve shed a lot of tears.

I took her to the vet after my housemate found some swelling around her neck that came on quite quickly.

Colorado is 9 years old.  She’s a senior lady.  The vet and I both agreed that it would be cruel to subject her to tests and treatment.

When she is no longer comfortable, and happy I will let her go.  Oh I wish I was truly as dispassionate as that looks on my screen

Most days she’s fine.  She doesn’t appear to know that she has cancer.

A few days ago she started becoming lethargic.  She wasn’t eating much, but drinking lots of water, and having accidents in the house.

She’s better now.  I didn’t get a chance to get to Costco to get the dogs their usual food, and it seems that Colorado didn’t care for the Pedigree.   She chowed down on canned food, meat, and even some ice cream.

I’ve been giving her a Cranberry additive to help with the UTI, so she’s actually been great the last couple of days.

I am hesitant to talk about this, as I know that it might hurt some feelings.  There’s no animosity, but I really need people to stop pointing out things that remind me that Colorado’s life clock is ticking down.

There are no hard feelings, there’s no animosity as I know everyone was doing their best to be helpful in a difficult time.

I wasn’t even going to mention it, but several times innocent conversations turned into hours of tears for me.

So understand that I need to do this.

Only those who know me well, and see me often know that I am under an enormous amount of stress.   I have things going on that I won’t talk about here….but these things are cumulative.

I’ve been unable to detach emotionally,  to throw up the barriers, and slip on the “I’m OK” mask that I’ve relied on this past…(yay therapy)

If I do talk about Colorado,  please keep the following in mind:

  • I know the lumps change, and I know how bad/good they are
    • They are completely beyond my control
      • and yes, I know they are likely tumours
  • I know she will have good days and bad
    • Please for the love of all that is holy let me enjoy the good days..okay? Please?
      • stop reminding me that there will be bad days…I KNOW THAT!!!
  • Yes, I know when the end comes it will be a difficult decision
    • I don’t have to “brace myself”,  I’m already doing that
    • No,  I won’t let her suffer a single moment longer just because I don’t want to let her go.
      • Remember I did that for Shelby, even though it was sudden and I wasn’t ready to let him go
  • Yes,  I know she might go to sleep and never wake up
    • I feel guilty because I hope that’s how she goes
    • How well do you think I’ll sleep with that on my mind?
  • Yes,  I remember that she saved my life
    • How do you think I feel knowing that I cannot save hers?
      • Yes, I know she doesn’t care about these things..
  • Yes, its annoying when she has an accident in the house
    • But so fucking what?!!
  • If I start to cry when talking about her, don’t make a big deal of it.

 

I wish I could say how people could help.  The truth is, I don’t know.

I talked to my dad on the phone yesterday.  We talked about the stuff that’s going on, and Colorado.   They were things I didn’t want to talk about,  but after that brief conversation with dad I felt a lot better.

Dad always seems to know the right way to say things.

I think I’d ask that if I don’t want to talk about it,  please don’t push.   If I do, follow my lead…I might need to vent, or just tell someone how I’m feeling.

Thanks for listening.

 

 

 

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