Quasi-Inspirational Ravings #3

One day I saw a man standing on a corner holding a sign saying he was hungry and that he would work for food.

Taking pity on him,  I took him to the local sporting goods store and bought him a full set of fishing tackle.

I then took him to the local river and, with the help of Google,  I taught him how to fish!

We were both delighted at how quickly he picked it up!

I had taught a man to fish, so he could now feed himself for a lifetime!

Turns out that the parable did not take seafood allergies into account.

Morals of this story:

  • “Lifetime” as a unit of measure is relative
  • “Due Diligence” is more than a buzzword
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Quasi-Inspirational Ravings #2

One day while on a stroll through the park I met an elderly gentleman sitting alone on an out of the way bench,  far from the children, dogs and humans who were enjoying a bright spring afternoon.

I asked his permission to share the bench.

He nodded and I might be wrong but I think he was happy for a bit of company.

We both sat in silence for a spell.  Each of us lost in our own thoughts.

Then, without warning he hit me on my head with his cane.

While I was still dazed he took my wallet, phone and watch before dashing off through the trees.

The moral of this story is that even old people sitting alone in a park can be assholes,  so always keep your guard up!

 

Quasi-Inspirational Ravings #1

Have you ever taken a moment and watched a butterfly as its about to take flight?

Did you marvel at the complexity required for such activity?

When you pondered the evolutionary path required to reach this point did it fill you with awe?

Has it occurred to you that “butterfly taking flight” could be replaced with any of the following:

  • A dog taking a dump
  • An old man farting
  • Donald Trump

The moral of this is don’t be like a butterfly,  butterflies are stupid.

Be like a human being who is slightly better than you.

Once you’ve done that, repeat.

Facebook Feature Request

Dear Facebook:

I, like millions of people, am under the complete control of really enjoy using your site  app  hive-mind product  platform!

I’ve noticed an issue where perfectly sane people get caught up in angry arguments over seemingly trivial things like what colour some dress was,   or who should sit on the Iron Throne…oh wait…that last one is not trivial…sorry.

These are not reasoned debates, these are the virtual equivalent of beer tavern brawls!

Well the tv and movie versions of those things,  because in reality a brawl in a bar is usually two guys who are so drunk that they just take clumsy swings at each other until they both fall down.

There has been an alarming increase in people resorting to the use of angry looking but contextually confusing emojii!

The number of people claiming to have a vague recollection of what they were angry about a whole 30 seconds after they post is reaching pandemic levels!

The danger is real!  

I heard that my brother’s cat-sitter’s girlfriend’s hairdresser’s farrier got so mad that he actually had a stroke after someone posted that they thought Burger King was better than McDonalds!

I have a potential solution…

The impending implosion of society can be averted if you gave users the ability to just skip past things in their newsfeed without commenting….

I know…revolutionary right?!

I guess the best way to describe it would be to ask you to imagine that you’re reading a scroll.

If you see something that might upset you on the scroll you’re not going to grab a quill and write an angry comment are you?   That would be silly….you’d be writing by hand…who still does that?

Instead of getting into an argument over something that you didn’t even have an opinion on,  you’re going to keep winding the parchment until you get to something you like,  perhaps a humorous charcoal sketch of a kitten wearing a funny hat.

I hope to see this new Parchment Winding functionality implemented in the near future.
I’d go as far as suggesting it should be an emergency patch.

Your Thrall  Respectfully
David

 

 

The Case of the Mysterious Loufa

Last Saturday morning, while performing my morning ablutions (which is a fancy term for washing up),  I noticed that my beloved, bedraggled loufa was in the bathroom trashcan.

This was a bit disconcerting because I was planning on taking a shower at that particular moment.

I peeked behind the shower curtain to ascertain the loufa situation.  I saw a bright pink loufa that I was pretty sure belonged to my housemate, Holly.

There was a strange, blue loufa hanging there.  An interloper, if you will, into the collection of shower related instruments, lotions and liquds. (1 of which was mine, 47 of which belong to Holly….and 1 strange loufa).

There was a very real possibility that this strange loufa was left behind by a recently departed house guest.  For the more maudlin of my readers, I’ll point out that by ‘departed’ I meant she went home, and is not “dearly departed”.

I guess I should point out that I am in no way implying that she has cooties..its just that a loufa’s sole purpose is to remove cooties…so would therefore have cooties…

I peeked out and saw that Holly’s door was closed.  She had not yet bellowed out her reminder to bring back French Toast (with maple syrup…there had better be maple syrup!) from my usual weekend breakfast trip to Romeo’s Corner Cafe,  so I presumed she was asleep.

One of the things that I have learned in my two marriages is that you should always let a sleeping woman continue doing exactly that.  No matter what…

This left me with a difficult decision.

Do I either risk infecting myself with the cooties of the aforementioned, recently departed (but very much alive) house guest…or just go through my day smelling bad.

I approached the dogs to see if my odour would repel them.  It did not.  But then I remembered that they will happily root through garbage and weren’t the best indicators of whether or not body odour had reached the level of socially inappropriateness.

I went to breakfast, and watched Nancy carefully for any indication that I was overly, and unpleasantly, fragrant.

She is a seasoned professional though, so I didn’t really trust that she would give any such indication.

I apologized for any discomfort I may have caused by way of a generous tip.

To be on the safe side, I decided to forego my usual weekend ritual of running errands and socializing,  and opted to return home to sit on the couch playing video games.

Hahaha!  Yeah,  lol,  “usual weekend ritual of running errands and socializing”…omg,  I typed that with a straight face!

I soon lost myself in trying to escape Mold Men and crazy Jack Baker in Resident Evil 7.  It can be a very tense game…made worse when Holly came downstairs looking for French Toast.  I did mention that she did not bellow a reminder?

A few hours passed before I remembered about the mystery loufa.

I started out by asking Holly if I smelt bad.

She was a bit startled by the question, and told me I in fact did not.  (In the time that I’ve known her Holly has often pointed out that I am fastidious about my personal hygiene…especially for a “big guy”).

I then asked about the strange loufa.  Explaining about how I didn’t want to get cooties, so I opted to go with ‘smell bad’.

It was with no small amount of laughter, and exasperation that she explained that she had purchased a new loufa for me (and not the house guest),  and reassured me that the loufa was in fact cootie free.

I finally felt it safe to shower, and acquaint myself with this new, strange loufa.

I found it rather large, cumbersome, and somewhat dense…and not at all like my old, bedraggled, and lamented loufa.

Oh loufa, how I miss thee…

 

 

 

 

Working in Healthcare vs IT

I turned 51 a couple of weeks back.

I’ve had a few different jobs over those 5 decades.   The majority of the first two were pretty much being a major pain in the rear to my parents and any associated adults.

I think the two careers I’ve had where I’ve been most useful to society was my time as a military medic,  and  the last 16 years or so working in healthcare IT.

 

There are advantages to being a front line clinical worker.  You get to drape a stethoscope around your neck and yell “STAT” at various people.   If you’re dressed in scrubs leaning against a wall looking pale and haggard,  people just assume that you’ve pulled a 36 hour shift and not that you’ve only been at work for 5 minutes,  but are very hung-over.

If you work in IT,  and you look haggard,  people presume  you’ve been at work for 5 minutes, but pulled an all-nighter raiding in World of Warcraft……even if you’ve just pulled a 36 hour stint trying to solve a critical issue.

Don’t even ask what happens if an IT guy dons a stethoscope and starts yelling “STAT!”

But there are some distinct advantages to working in IT instead of healthcare.

In healthcare, if you have a patient that you’re having problems diagnosing,  there’s no way in the world you’d get away with telling your patient this…

Look,  you’re baffling the crap out of me,  so I need you to sit here and wait while I go get a coffee and think about what’s wrong with you.
I might end up googling you,  and/or talking about you with my friends.
It might even come to discussing you and your condition online in forums and chat-rooms…..maybe someone there can help me figure out WTF is wrong with you.

Yeah…trying saying that to a patient….

We’ve all heard stories about surgical mistakes where somebody literally hacked off the wrong leg,  or a case I remember reading about years ago where a teenager went in for brain surgery and ended up with a vasectomy….

In the IT world (if you’re smart),  mistakes of this magnitude are embarrassing,  but not fatal (career or otherwise).   That’s because we can always revert to the last good configuration!

I will admit that I miss my days as a medic.  There’s great satisfaction in seeing someone walk out of your facility who otherwise might not have.

I might have a similar blog in the future as I’m contemplating another career change….I just need to figure out how one goes around becoming part of the Idle Rich.