RTOD: Salad Dressing

With everything going on in the world today, I want to take a moment and talk about something that I’m sure is on everyone’s mind….

Salad Dressing.
Specifically, who thought “Ranch” was a good name for salad dressing??

I’ve never knowingly tried Ranch dressing.

Think about it….you have French Dressing, which brings to mind the rich, flavourful palette found in French cuisine.

When you hear “raspberry vinaigrette” you think of something sweet and tart.

What comes to mind when you hear “Ranch Salad Dressing”??

Hay and Horseshit!

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RTOD: Stupid things I’m afraid of

  • That the person I’m talking to can read my mind
  • That my future significant other will rearrange my kitchen
  • That a chunk of frozen blue toilet ice will crash through my roof and kill me the day after I win the lottery
    • I’m not at all worried about it happening before for some reason
  • Being around ppl
  • Not being around ppl
  • That I’m that guy who thinks he’s popular, but really isn’t

Quasi-Inspirational Ravings #3

One day I saw a man standing on a corner holding a sign saying he was hungry and that he would work for food.

Taking pity on him,  I took him to the local sporting goods store and bought him a full set of fishing tackle.

I then took him to the local river and, with the help of Google,  I taught him how to fish!

We were both delighted at how quickly he picked it up!

I had taught a man to fish, so he could now feed himself for a lifetime!

Turns out that the parable did not take seafood allergies into account.

Morals of this story:

  • “Lifetime” as a unit of measure is relative
  • “Due Diligence” is more than a buzzword

Quasi-Inspirational Ravings #2

One day while on a stroll through the park I met an elderly gentleman sitting alone on an out of the way bench,  far from the children, dogs and humans who were enjoying a bright spring afternoon.

I asked his permission to share the bench.

He nodded and I might be wrong but I think he was happy for a bit of company.

We both sat in silence for a spell.  Each of us lost in our own thoughts.

Then, without warning he hit me on my head with his cane.

While I was still dazed he took my wallet, phone and watch before dashing off through the trees.

The moral of this story is that even old people sitting alone in a park can be assholes,  so always keep your guard up!

 

Quasi-Inspirational Ravings #1

Have you ever taken a moment and watched a butterfly as its about to take flight?

Did you marvel at the complexity required for such activity?

When you pondered the evolutionary path required to reach this point did it fill you with awe?

Has it occurred to you that “butterfly taking flight” could be replaced with any of the following:

  • A dog taking a dump
  • An old man farting
  • Donald Trump

The moral of this is don’t be like a butterfly,  butterflies are stupid.

Be like a human being who is slightly better than you.

Once you’ve done that, repeat.

Facebook Feature Request

Dear Facebook:

I, like millions of people, am under the complete control of really enjoy using your site  app  hive-mind product  platform!

I’ve noticed an issue where perfectly sane people get caught up in angry arguments over seemingly trivial things like what colour some dress was,   or who should sit on the Iron Throne…oh wait…that last one is not trivial…sorry.

These are not reasoned debates, these are the virtual equivalent of beer tavern brawls!

Well the tv and movie versions of those things,  because in reality a brawl in a bar is usually two guys who are so drunk that they just take clumsy swings at each other until they both fall down.

There has been an alarming increase in people resorting to the use of angry looking but contextually confusing emojii!

The number of people claiming to have a vague recollection of what they were angry about a whole 30 seconds after they post is reaching pandemic levels!

The danger is real!  

I heard that my brother’s cat-sitter’s girlfriend’s hairdresser’s farrier got so mad that he actually had a stroke after someone posted that they thought Burger King was better than McDonalds!

I have a potential solution…

The impending implosion of society can be averted if you gave users the ability to just skip past things in their newsfeed without commenting….

I know…revolutionary right?!

I guess the best way to describe it would be to ask you to imagine that you’re reading a scroll.

If you see something that might upset you on the scroll you’re not going to grab a quill and write an angry comment are you?   That would be silly….you’d be writing by hand…who still does that?

Instead of getting into an argument over something that you didn’t even have an opinion on,  you’re going to keep winding the parchment until you get to something you like,  perhaps a humorous charcoal sketch of a kitten wearing a funny hat.

I hope to see this new Parchment Winding functionality implemented in the near future.
I’d go as far as suggesting it should be an emergency patch.

Your Thrall  Respectfully
David