Facebook Feature Request

Dear Facebook:

I, like millions of people, am under the complete control of really enjoy using your site  app  hive-mind product  platform!

I’ve noticed an issue where perfectly sane people get caught up in angry arguments over seemingly trivial things like what colour some dress was,   or who should sit on the Iron Throne…oh wait…that last one is not trivial…sorry.

These are not reasoned debates, these are the virtual equivalent of beer tavern brawls!

Well the tv and movie versions of those things,  because in reality a brawl in a bar is usually two guys who are so drunk that they just take clumsy swings at each other until they both fall down.

There has been an alarming increase in people resorting to the use of angry looking but contextually confusing emojii!

The number of people claiming to have a vague recollection of what they were angry about a whole 30 seconds after they post is reaching pandemic levels!

The danger is real!  

I heard that my brother’s cat-sitter’s girlfriend’s hairdresser’s farrier got so mad that he actually had a stroke after someone posted that they thought Burger King was better than McDonalds!

I have a potential solution…

The impending implosion of society can be averted if you gave users the ability to just skip past things in their newsfeed without commenting….

I know…revolutionary right?!

I guess the best way to describe it would be to ask you to imagine that you’re reading a scroll.

If you see something that might upset you on the scroll you’re not going to grab a quill and write an angry comment are you?   That would be silly….you’d be writing by hand…who still does that?

Instead of getting into an argument over something that you didn’t even have an opinion on,  you’re going to keep winding the parchment until you get to something you like,  perhaps a humorous charcoal sketch of a kitten wearing a funny hat.

I hope to see this new Parchment Winding functionality implemented in the near future.
I’d go as far as suggesting it should be an emergency patch.

Your Thrall  Respectfully
David

 

 

The Case of the Mysterious Loufa

Last Saturday morning, while performing my morning ablutions (which is a fancy term for washing up),  I noticed that my beloved, bedraggled loufa was in the bathroom trashcan.

This was a bit disconcerting because I was planning on taking a shower at that particular moment.

I peeked behind the shower curtain to ascertain the loufa situation.  I saw a bright pink loufa that I was pretty sure belonged to my housemate, Holly.

There was a strange, blue loufa hanging there.  An interloper, if you will, into the collection of shower related instruments, lotions and liquds. (1 of which was mine, 47 of which belong to Holly….and 1 strange loufa).

There was a very real possibility that this strange loufa was left behind by a recently departed house guest.  For the more maudlin of my readers, I’ll point out that by ‘departed’ I meant she went home, and is not “dearly departed”.

I guess I should point out that I am in no way implying that she has cooties..its just that a loufa’s sole purpose is to remove cooties…so would therefore have cooties…

I peeked out and saw that Holly’s door was closed.  She had not yet bellowed out her reminder to bring back French Toast (with maple syrup…there had better be maple syrup!) from my usual weekend breakfast trip to Romeo’s Corner Cafe,  so I presumed she was asleep.

One of the things that I have learned in my two marriages is that you should always let a sleeping woman continue doing exactly that.  No matter what…

This left me with a difficult decision.

Do I either risk infecting myself with the cooties of the aforementioned, recently departed (but very much alive) house guest…or just go through my day smelling bad.

I approached the dogs to see if my odour would repel them.  It did not.  But then I remembered that they will happily root through garbage and weren’t the best indicators of whether or not body odour had reached the level of socially inappropriateness.

I went to breakfast, and watched Nancy carefully for any indication that I was overly, and unpleasantly, fragrant.

She is a seasoned professional though, so I didn’t really trust that she would give any such indication.

I apologized for any discomfort I may have caused by way of a generous tip.

To be on the safe side, I decided to forego my usual weekend ritual of running errands and socializing,  and opted to return home to sit on the couch playing video games.

Hahaha!  Yeah,  lol,  “usual weekend ritual of running errands and socializing”…omg,  I typed that with a straight face!

I soon lost myself in trying to escape Mold Men and crazy Jack Baker in Resident Evil 7.  It can be a very tense game…made worse when Holly came downstairs looking for French Toast.  I did mention that she did not bellow a reminder?

A few hours passed before I remembered about the mystery loufa.

I started out by asking Holly if I smelt bad.

She was a bit startled by the question, and told me I in fact did not.  (In the time that I’ve known her Holly has often pointed out that I am fastidious about my personal hygiene…especially for a “big guy”).

I then asked about the strange loufa.  Explaining about how I didn’t want to get cooties, so I opted to go with ‘smell bad’.

It was with no small amount of laughter, and exasperation that she explained that she had purchased a new loufa for me (and not the house guest),  and reassured me that the loufa was in fact cootie free.

I finally felt it safe to shower, and acquaint myself with this new, strange loufa.

I found it rather large, cumbersome, and somewhat dense…and not at all like my old, bedraggled, and lamented loufa.

Oh loufa, how I miss thee…

 

 

 

 

Working in Healthcare vs IT

I turned 51 a couple of weeks back.

I’ve had a few different jobs over those 5 decades.   The majority of the first two were pretty much being a major pain in the rear to my parents and any associated adults.

I think the two careers I’ve had where I’ve been most useful to society was my time as a military medic,  and  the last 16 years or so working in healthcare IT.

 

There are advantages to being a front line clinical worker.  You get to drape a stethoscope around your neck and yell “STAT” at various people.   If you’re dressed in scrubs leaning against a wall looking pale and haggard,  people just assume that you’ve pulled a 36 hour shift and not that you’ve only been at work for 5 minutes,  but are very hung-over.

If you work in IT,  and you look haggard,  people presume  you’ve been at work for 5 minutes, but pulled an all-nighter raiding in World of Warcraft……even if you’ve just pulled a 36 hour stint trying to solve a critical issue.

Don’t even ask what happens if an IT guy dons a stethoscope and starts yelling “STAT!”

But there are some distinct advantages to working in IT instead of healthcare.

In healthcare, if you have a patient that you’re having problems diagnosing,  there’s no way in the world you’d get away with telling your patient this…

Look,  you’re baffling the crap out of me,  so I need you to sit here and wait while I go get a coffee and think about what’s wrong with you.
I might end up googling you,  and/or talking about you with my friends.
It might even come to discussing you and your condition online in forums and chat-rooms…..maybe someone there can help me figure out WTF is wrong with you.

Yeah…trying saying that to a patient….

We’ve all heard stories about surgical mistakes where somebody literally hacked off the wrong leg,  or a case I remember reading about years ago where a teenager went in for brain surgery and ended up with a vasectomy….

In the IT world (if you’re smart),  mistakes of this magnitude are embarrassing,  but not fatal (career or otherwise).   That’s because we can always revert to the last good configuration!

I will admit that I miss my days as a medic.  There’s great satisfaction in seeing someone walk out of your facility who otherwise might not have.

I might have a similar blog in the future as I’m contemplating another career change….I just need to figure out how one goes around becoming part of the Idle Rich.

 

OK Google! You’re really pissing me off now!

A couple of weeks ago I discovered the joy of talking to my phone,  and having it answer me back!

I’ve used the voice to speech function before where you enter by talking instead of typing,  but “OK Google” is completely different.

When you want to talk to your android phone,  “OK Google” is how you put it in command mode.

There are fun things like asking it “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck”,  but I’m more interested in not having to touch my phone when I’m driving.

I’ve gotten into the habit of asking my phone how traffic is during my daily commute.

After the “OK Google”,  you can ask, “How is traffic home,  or to work?”

Last week I was heading to work in Guelph,  and encountered two lanes of bumper to bumper traffic on Victoria Road in Kitchener.

OK Google told me that traffic to work was “light and I should arrive in 22 minutes!”

I called bullshit,  but 21 minutes later I was pulling into the parking lot.

This morning OK Google was sick or something….

After I picked up my morning coffee at the Tim Hortons down the street from where I live,  OK Google told me I had an hour and 5 minutes commute to work.   That’s not bad…

When I hit traffic in Kitchener (around Victoria and Lackner) OK Google told me my commute was still an hour and 5 minutes!!!

I wondered what was backing traffic up,  but then realized that the time was the same as my last query.

So I asked OK Google where I was.

“Here is a map of Stratford Ontario!”,  was the cheery reply.

I told it to turn on navigation and guide me to work.   Glancing down I saw the blue dot was in Kitchener…

So I asked Google again where I was…..again I was told I was in Stratford.

I tried various voice commands to get it to update my location to no avail.

I even pulled over and rebooted the phone and stabbed at some settings.

Nothing worked.

For some reason I just needed to have OK Google tell me how long it was actually going to get to work!

With increasing frustration I yelled different commands at my phone.

Nothing worked.

It insisted that I was in Stratford.

Then it occurred to me to do what I would do if I was talking to a human…

“OK Google!”

phone chirps

“I’m in Guelph!”

Nothing…

“OK Google!”

phone chirps

“Where am I?”

phone: “You are in Gulf Ontario!”  (that’s Google for Guelph)

“OK Google!”

chirp

“How’s traffic to work”

Phone: “Traffic is light and you should arrive in 3 minutes!”

That was really weird that the phone knew where I was, but OK Google didn’t…..

There was the time too when I was showing off “OK Google”….I didn’t mean to put it in command mode,  so I told it “Nevermind!”

It played the Nirvana album….well it tried to…I was on mobile data so I quickly stopped that.

 

RTOD: Other Drivers II

Some more questions I would like to ask, or things I would like to say to other drivers during my daily commute:

 

Seriously,  why did you speed up while I was trying to pass you???  I know you fricking well increased speed because I had my cruise control set!

 

Thank you so much for coming to a complete stop in the travel lane,  and then proceeding very slowly into the vacant left hand turn lane!  Seriously,  thank you!  Oh look,  that light half a block away is red now!  Yay!

 

Where did you learn to apply make up and drive at the same time?  Oh wait…you didn’t….

 

WTF is so interesting over to your left that you have to slow down and look????  Oh hey, now you have lots of time because we missed the light!

 

Wow,  thanks for giving me the opportunity to closely examine the grill of your pick up truck in my rear view mirror.  I know that from your aggressive driving that you are probably a world famous heart surgeon who is the only doctor on the planet capable of saving a small child and therefore really need to go faster,  but there’s only so much one can do when stuck in a line of traffic over a kilometer long!   Oh,  btw,  you can’t see my tail lights…

 

No,  it’s okay….I’m perfectly happy to wait here at a green light while you look at your phone.

 

MIRRORS!!!!  Look in your fricking mirror, or do a fricking shoulder check before making a lane change into what is usually referred to as the FAST LANE!!!!!  AND WHY THE FRICK DID YOU SLOW DOWN????   There isn’t an intersection in sight,  and you change into the fast lane and SLOW DOWN!!!!   Good thing my brakes work….and I was paying attention.

 

I’ve probably done some stupid things too….you can post them here if you’ve seen me do them.  I drive a  [static][garbled]

RTOD: Other Drivers…

Hey, it’s been awhile since I regularly drove any distance,  but since starting to commute over an hour each way there’s a question I keep asking….

Is ‘Keep right, except to pass’  still a thing?

Because I’m thinking it’s more

Drive in whatever lane you want, even if you’re driving slowly,  right beside another driver whose driving just as slowly!’ 

featured image: www.fairalbertaroads.ca

My Dogs Raise a Security Concern

Dear Provider of Food and Thrower of Balls;

We, your loving canine companions, and security force are writing this note to alert you to a grave threat to the safety of the Den.

You are likely aware that we both enjoy looking out the window at the things that wizz past the den day and night.  We especially like the ones with the bright flashing lights and the funny howling.

However, there is one of these things that stops frequently,  and we are both extremely worried that you seem oblivious to the threat it brings to the Den!

We believe the human term for this thing is “BLOODY HELL, CALM DOWN! IT’S ONLY A  BUS!”,  as this is what you bark every time we alert you to its presence.

As you know,  when we hear the squeak the BLOODY HELL, CALM DOWN! IT’S ONLY A BUS! makes when it stops,  we will stop whatever we are doing and run to the windows to bark as loudly as we can in order to let the murders it brings to the neighbourhood that the pickings are easier at other dens.

You’re a pretty relaxed human,  but its reached the point where we wonder if you are taking the threat seriously!

We are worried that you won’t recognize the danger as the murders who climb off the BLOODY HELL, CALM DOWN! IT’S ONLY A BUS! all look different!  Some of them are small humans.  Maybe not a big threat when alone,  but they often travel in packs!

You do realize that these murderous bastards arrive very close the Den,  right?

We also want to point out that this has been going on for a very, very long time!

The implication should be obvious!

There are likely very few people in the area left to murder,  so it won’t be long before our loud and viscous barking won’t keep them away!

We’re worried that you keep answering The Door when someone knocks, despite our warnings and constantly getting in your way when you try to open it.

And seriously….do you think holding us back is a good idea?!  You could get murdered while holding on to our collars and we’d be helpless to defend you!

If you get murdered who would bring us food and throw our balls?   The cat???

In short, we hope you smarten up, and start taking the security of the Den seriously.

Love,

Kharma and Colorado.

dogs