This post will likely be the hardest I’ve ever written.
Im sitting here in my assigned hospital bed at the Stratford General Hospital the day after my second heart attack. In a couple of hours I will be transported to St Marys in Kitchener for an angiogram to assess the damage.
I will be fine on that account. Lying here with little to distract me has given me a great deal of time to think.
My struggles with mental hezlth are no secret. I think few are aware of how bad it really is.
I rarely discuss the dark stuff because I dont want to alarm anyone, and dont want to be a bother.
I sometimes ponder what I can do to get myself out of the quagmire I find myself in but always come up short.
In the days before my heart attack it was starting to occur to me that I needed to be more open and tell ppl what was really going on in my head.
Thats a scary proposition. I was afraid of how ppl would react. I didnt want to cause anyone distress, but at the same time I had decided on a course of action and didnt want anyone trying to stop me.
I need help. I dont know how to ask for it. I dont know what to ask for.
The outpouring of well wishes when news of my heart attack spread has shown me that telling the world what really is going on is the best course of action.
This will be hard to type, it may appear disjointed at times. I will do my best to avoid minimizing the situation.
Before I begin let me point out that the fact that I am telling hou all this is a good sign…I am asking for your help…more then thatI am actually asking everyone to help me figure out what it is that I need.
The fact that I am sitting here in a hospital bed typing this to you is a clear indication that indica there is no immediate danger.
The thing that got me thinking along these lines was a conversation with my new housemate Louise. A couple of nights ago I told Louise about my struggles with controlling my diabetes. I had forgotten that Louise used to be a nurse. Shes taking over that aspect. It lead to a discussion around mental health. I wont go into details because all of that will be covered below….unless I forget.
When I was first brought into the ER we went over my listof meds. I explained that I havent been taking them because I kept forgetting to get them refilled.
That was a lie.
Here we go….the truth is that I had stopped taking them because if I died of a heart attack it would be nature taking its course and not me letting anyone down by committing suicide.
And there it is.
My ADHD and depression made dealing with the day to day too hard. Doing what needed to be done seemed insurmountable. Dying seemed easier. The problem was that I have ppl depending on me, and there are a couple of things I still need to do.
That last paragraph sums up about a page and a half…you’re welcome.
This black depression started to lift about a week ago. Thanks at least in part to Louise who was quite adamant about her wanting to help.
In that time I considered what I had to do to improve my lot.
I need to be more social. I seem to have lost the ability to invite ppl for coffee. Ive been wanting to throw a dinner oarty or game night but Im terrified that no will come.
Part of that is finding activities out of the house. Social anxiety makes that hard for me. When I do go out the activities are usually solo.
Im keen to develop my comedy career…I just have to stay on track with that.
When I started this I thought it would be pages and pages, but Ive run out of things to say.
Im going to be heading kff to my angiogram in a bit, so I’m going to leave off here.
I hop what Ive said doesnt cause anyone distress. That wasnt my intent.