We all know its coming….the zombie apocalypse. We all know that we (as individuals) will survive, as will that member of the opposite sex we have a crush on (you will naturally have to save him/her from a group of slavering zombies), as will a few other souls that you will find marginally useful in your quest to reach Utopia, or Nirvana…or where ever.
I had some really funny stuff in here about how conventional principles of warfare don’t apply but it was too long. I cut it out, but here’s the funny stuff…
I learned everything I know about modern warfare from war movies and Tom Clancy novels. I know I was in the military, but I was a medic, and if they had given me courses in command and control I’d likely be ruling some South American nation where everyone would call me “El Ridiculo Uno” or something.
Now, that’s pretty funny, but not 5 paragraphs funny.
In every zombie movie or tv show ever made everyone goes for guns (everyone whose not a zombie that is). In a great many of these shows you will see evidence that the military was completely over run by zombies. This should be a big, glaring hint that firearms aren’t all that effective against zombies and here’s why:
- There will always be more zombies than bullets (especially if you live in Canada (gun control laws being what they are…I wouldn’t even know where to buy bullets);
- The only way to take out a zombie is with a head shot. Head shots are very difficult, even for trained soldiers. This will dramatically increase the aforementioned bullet-to-zombie ratio.
In fact, the only people who find it easy to take head shots every time are the ones assisted by a top-flight Hollywood special FX team. If you do have an FX team assisting you remember you will always be one bullet short so ensure that when you send your last round down range that your trusty sidekick, the one that you thought died two scenes ago. is nearby with a wooden plank to take out that last zombie.
- If one of your cohort gets bit and they are armed with a firearm you will now have to contend with a zombie with a gun (who, fortunately, will have a low probability of hitting you in the head);
Okay, so if not guns, lets discuss how to defend yourself against zombies.
Media inspired hysteria is a pretty good way to influence and control the masses. You know what I’m talking about…”eating fatty foods will make you fat”,” exercise is good for you”,” you should run for your life because that lava flowing down the side of the volcano in your backyard is hazardous to your health (and exercise is good for you)”.
My first idea for a defense against zombies is a campaign of disinformation Let’s explore some specific ideas.
I think the best idea would be to convince zombies that eating humans is actually bad for them.
In today’s modern world the best way to get information out there is to create a great website filled with well-written, clear language that your average visitor will be able to comprehend easily. Pictures are always good too.
The problem with this is that zombies will probably not see your site no matter how well your promote it. Zombies largely mill about aimlessly unless there are yummy humans to catch, so, unless they are lucky enough to get elected to political office they will either be, or soon be unemployed.
You know what that means right?
They won’t have the money to pay for their internet subscription….and if they do, you know they’re just going to be looking at zombie porn.
Creating a website will therefore have limited impact and not allow you to go traipsing unmolested through the zombie hordes.
So, the next thing you could try is distributing leaflets. As, after the Zombie Apocalypse, there are no helicopters or other aircraft, they would have to be distributed by hand.
Its unwise to just walk up to a group of zombies and say, “Hey, before you try and eat me read this!”
You could start putting your fliers in mailboxes and on car windshields, but how do you feel when someone does that to you?
I sometimes get these postcards for some dance club stuck under my windshield….annoys the crap out me…and….I drive a Buick Park Avenue…what about that car makes someone think I’d be “OH YEAH!!! DANCE CLUB HERE I COME!!!”. After I bought it (the Buick) my 11 year old nephew said, very sagely, “Uncle David, there are only 2 kinds of people who drive Buicks. ‘Old People’, and ‘Really Old People'”. (He failed to specify what category he thought applied to me)…this is the kid who told me the reason I was single was because I didn’t use AXE Body Spray….
So, digression aside, I think its fair to say that distributing fliers will likely get you killed…even by non-zombies.
So, if not propaganda, and not guns…what then?
The answer is quite simple, we take a page from the history of warfare and revert to medieval combat…swords and armour!
Think about it…chain mail and plate armour usually did a decent job protecting the wearer from sharp stabby things…what’s the sharpest thing a zombie’s going to come at you with? Right…their teeth! Even a zombie with excellent oral hygiene and a top rate dental plan isn’t going to be able to chew through this simple, 16th century tech!
Head shots aren’t a problem either…every gamer out there has heard the term “Hack and Slash”…just keep whacking until they stop moving! Don’t worry–you will NEVER run out of ammo!
The important thing is to select the correct type of armour!
Remember, it is crucial that you ignore aesthetics and go for something zombie-teeth proof!
Protected by this marvel of medieval technology, you can get your charges to safety, and if you need a break afterwards, you can simply lie down and take a nap knowing you’re safe from zombie teeth while encased in your metal shell!
It important to ensure that you’ve had a good breakfast, and have used the facilities prior to donning your armour as it might take you a while to hack through zombies if you’re attacked by a large herd.
Of course there is the issue of where do you buy this sort of gear? Its not like you can find Medieval Armorers in the Yellowpages. (and yes, I looked)
I suppose you could make due with metal buckets and trash cans…oh wait…can you even buy those any more??
You know what this means right? GROWTH INDUSTRY!! As soon as someone starts up a company that can mass produce quality plate armour I’m definitely in on the IPO! Seriously, how can you lose? Oh wait…well, if you invest, and then end up becoming a zombie….. HEY! If that happens look on the bright side! You’ll be able to afford your internet subscription…remember humans = yummy AND they’re good for you, no matter what the internet says!
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Images contained in the blog posting “Strategies of Defense Against Zombie Hordes” by David Rothbauer are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.davidrothbauer.com.