I’ve noticed that Colorado’s vision has been getting worse.
A while back I noticed that when I would throw her ball for her, she’d often go right by it several times as she excitedly searched for it. I knew she had cataracts, but honestly, I wasn’t sure if she was just too excited to see it.
Then, a few months ago she started bumping into furniture in dark rooms.
A couple of weeks ago, I gave her a treat and even though I was holding it right in front of her, she didn’t see it until I moved it slightly to the her right.
I imagine that many human beings in this situation would despair at the loss of their vision.
Colorado is not bothered by it.
Several times I’ve witnessed her come barrelling through the livingroom, only to run into something.
Each time, she picks herself up, and continues on whatever quest she is on.
She does not stop and think, “WTF?!”
Thoughts of a life without vision don’t seem to intrude.
This became evident when I was throwing her tennis ball for her. Normally I throw it from living room to dining room. It is not a rare for her to lose track of it and end up weaving around the dining room table in search of it. She likes that game, she is always very excited and happy and when we play.
This time she couldn’t find the ball. It was in the middle of the floor. I pointed at it and she still couldn’t see it…..until I put my finger on it.
Her reaction…..”OMG! I FOUND THE BALL!!! YAY FOR ME!!!! AGAIN!AGAIN!AGAIN!!!”
The fact that she needed help didn’t diminish her joy one bit.
She didn’t become consumed with what would happen when the time came that she couldn’t see at all.
She rejoiced in the moment. Nothing else mattered.
…and that is the purest example I can think of for “Living in the Now”
It is something I’ve struggled to achieve since the concept was introduced to me years ago by my then therapist Roberta.
Essentially, Living in the Now means not worrying about what could happen in the next moment, or obsessing over what happened in the last.
In the example Roberta gave, imagine the van you are driving is stuck in the mud.
Worrying about what will happen if you don’t reach your destination in time, or obsessing over the circumstances that got you stuck will not get you unstuck.
I will point out that this doesn’t mean shirking responsibilities or not learning from mistakes.
In the past year there have been many changes in my life. Happily I’ve made great strides toward this whole living in the moment thing.
I am better at taking each day as it comes. But there are things that I still need to work on.
I think fear is one of the strongest forces in nature. Especially when the fear is one of the biggest an individual faces.
That is why this lesson on Living in the Now is a hard one for me.
Both my dogs are getting older.
Even though it is an unavoidable aspect of nature, the thought of losing them terrifies me.
It is not that the fact that they will someday die that worries me.
The darkness that looms large and often makes me feel small and helpless is that when they are gone that I will be alone.
And that my friends, is my biggest fear.
It might surprise a great deal of you because I often seek solitude, and am well known for not being able to stay in large gatherings for very long.
But, that solitude has always included my girls.
When these musings are coupled with depression, the thought of not being able to reach over and run my fingers through canine fur reduces me tears….even when I’m actually doing just that.
It was a week before I could return to work, and nearly 6 months before a day passed without me crying over his absence.
That was during a difficult time in my life. I wasn’t ready to let him go, but he was ready, and I made him a promise. And I keep my promises no matter how badly they cut.
In the immediate time after. People kept their distance. Close friends and family told others that I would want my space, and to grieve in private.
I appreciated it, because that’s what I thought I needed.
It was only years later that I realized how very wrong that was. My isolation exacerbated the pervasive emptiness in my life.
Now, even though both my girls are healthy and happy, that fear is back.
While most of the time I enjoy the time with my girls without any thought of what happens, there are times when the future intrudes and cannot be pushed away.
My life is much better now. I have more friends, and am better at being social.
I know in my heart that my friends and family will be there whatever the day brings.
But one of the things about mental illness is that your head sometimes injects false and terrifying realities that are not easily banished.
Post-script: I’ve been working on this for awhile.
A bought of depression sprang up sometime after I first came up with the idea for this post. I don’t know if working on it is what caused my current bought of depression. It was very difficult to finish….
Energy Poverty…. a phrase that brings to mind some third world slum with sketchy electrical service that only functions sporadically.
In the Province of Ontario, its come to mean that people who have to choose between shelter, food, and hydro.
This isn’t because electricity is scarce in Ontario.
A casual observer might conclude that this crisis arose because of the colossal mismanagement and incompetence demonstrated by the Ontario Liberal party over the past few years.
As I researched this issue, I came to believe that the current pricing structure was deliberately engineered to maximize Hydro One’s value ahead of issuing shares.
I also realized that, whether deliberate or not, the Distribution Rate model that makes hydro exponentially more expensive in vote-poor ridings than vote-rich ones, minimizes the political fallout from the efforts to make Ontario One attractive to investors.
There is simply too much data to go over in a single entry. But I will post what I’ve discovered and allow you to draw your own conclusions.
While driving into work today I noticed that it was darker, and colder.
I wondered how people who had been unable to keep their power turned on would fare in colder weather.
One of the things that has really irked me is that until recently, there was simply no data available on how many customers had their power disconnected because they couldn’t pay.
Naturally, there was no data on how long customers have gone without hydro.
Now, Winter is Coming.
We don’t have to fear White Walkers, or The Lannisters, or GRRM killing us off.
The thousands of people across the province who have given up on trying to keep their hydro on have much to fear.
If you’ve ever read a disconnection notice, you will likely have seen a warning about how old can freeze pipes and cause massive structural damage. Along with that warning will come the notification that the utility is not responsible for any damage.
What these notices don’t say is that cold can kill…it can also take fingers, toes, noses and ears.
How many people in Ontario will die this winter because they couldn’t pay thousands of dollars to keep their lights on?
What percentage will succumb to the cold?
What percentage will succumb to toxic fumes, or fire caused by whatever heat source they try out of desperation?
What percentage will succumb to hopeless depression and commit suicide?
There are many individual causes that brought us to this point. And I will talk about them in future posts.
In future posts I will:
explain why I think the Ontario Energy Board, who claims to protect consumers is an absolute farce
talk about how MicroFit, the Green Energy project where the Government of Ontario pays small producers of solar and other green energy considerably more than than market value for their excess power.
talk about how Hydro One uses distribution and regulation fees to offset the costs of bad policy
While there are many factors that brought us to this point, behind them all, there is one driving factor…
Those who are responsible for the hydro rate crisis completely forgot that their actions have had a significantly detrimental effect on real, living human beings.
They’ve come to view their commodity (electricity), as a luxury. Something that people can do without if they can’t afford it.
While comments on stories like this are largely sympathetic, it didn’t surprise me to see a few talking about how lazy public sector employees are over paid, and they don’t really deserve to be paid. One guy went so far as to say how happy he was reading about other people suffering because of this.
I’ve said this before. I’ve worked private and public sector jobs. Yes, public sector benefits are amazing, but I’ve worked significantly harder in the public sector than the private.
In the private sector, if I did well I was rewarded with things like cash.
In the public sector I’d be lucky to receive an atta-boy. Performance bonuses? Hahahaha..yeah, right.
When needed, we’d work through lunch, work late, come in early and the best we could hope for in return was a “Hey thanks!”.
Why is it that there are so many people out there who think that public sector employees don’t take pride in their work, care about the quality of their work, and their professional reputations?
Oh wait, I know…because some customer-facing public sector worker couldn’t do something for them not because it was against the rules and the individual didn’t want to risk getting fired for doing it, but because they were lazy and entitled.
But I digress…
Most of us know what it’s like to be broke. To wonder how you’re going to stretch out the few groceries you have to last, to spend your last $10 on dog food so they don’t go without, and to trying to decide which bills you absolutely must pay, and which you hope can wait.
Most of know how utterly devastating that stress is. The constant, pervasive thought…”If we can only make it to pay day!”
Now put yourselves in the shoes of employees who aren’t being paid at all because of this Phoenix fiasco. Not knowing when pay day is going to happen.
On top of that, your bosses keep telling you that they’re working on fixing the problem, and that they’re sorry….and oh hey, you can call the minister’s office to complain!
They are in fact hiring a lot of people to get the problem fixed. I wonder if those people are getting paid.
One of my question is, why aren’t they hiring a lot of people to manually track people’s hours and write them a physical cheque every two weeks??
Oh yeah…it will add a TON of work to catch up with everything. It will cost a lot of money too.
But it would show their employees that the public service’s priorities aren’t out of whack….that ensuring their people are cared for (as in being paid on time) is important.
Because right now….while I’m hearing them say it…I’m not seeing much evidence of that.
Some more questions I would like to ask, or things I would like to say to other drivers during my daily commute:
Seriously, why did you speed up while I was trying to pass you??? I know you fricking well increased speed because I had my cruise control set!
Thank you so much for coming to a complete stop in the travel lane, and then proceeding very slowly into the vacant left hand turn lane! Seriously, thank you! Oh look, that light half a block away is red now! Yay!
Where did you learn to apply make up and drive at the same time? Oh wait…you didn’t….
WTF is so interesting over to your left that you have to slow down and look???? Oh hey, now you have lots of time because we missed the light!
Wow, thanks for giving me the opportunity to closely examine the grill of your pick up truck in my rear view mirror. I know that from your aggressive driving that you are probably a world famous heart surgeon who is the only doctor on the planet capable of saving a small child and therefore really need to go faster, but there’s only so much one can do when stuck in a line of traffic over a kilometer long! Oh, btw, you can’t see my tail lights…
No, it’s okay….I’m perfectly happy to wait here at a green light while you look at your phone.
MIRRORS!!!! Look in your fricking mirror, or do a fricking shoulder check before making a lane change into what is usually referred to as the FAST LANE!!!!! AND WHY THE FRICK DID YOU SLOW DOWN???? There isn’t an intersection in sight, and you change into the fast lane and SLOW DOWN!!!! Good thing my brakes work….and I was paying attention.
I’ve probably done some stupid things too….you can post them here if you’ve seen me do them. I drive a [static][garbled]